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Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through another chunk of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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Now displaying: 2016

THE Classic RPG Podcast, w/Jim Banks, John Brandon, Matthew Van Zandt & Vanessa

Dec 25, 2016

It's a Square Roots Christmas as Matthew decides that we're not doing the whole RPG thing any more and says bah, humbug! You'll never guess what happens next. Okay. You'll probably guess. But that's okay. Sometimes there's comfort in predictability. The milk man, the paperboy, evening TV. How did I get delivered here? Someone tell me, please. This ol' world's confusing me.

Do you think the Family Matters theme and the Full House theme kind of sounded the same?

Special thanks to Owen Choules of Classic Schmassic for his wonderful narration.

Next week on Square Roots: A Final Fantasy X Retrospective Episode

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Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Dec 19, 2016

Mike "Mark" McDonald and Randy Newman join the gang as we plow through the end of Final Fantasy X! This week: Yojimbo redeems himself in the eyes of Matthew, Squaresoft decides to cram in one last terrible minigame, we discuss the song Otherworld, Seymour gets a curly moustache, Matthew gives the game Ten Out Of Ten Final Fantasy Tens, Vanessa kills bosses with Blitzballs, Jecht goes Full Final Fantasy IV Cid, rosebuds are smashed, and so much more.

This time: We finish Final Fantasy X!

Next time: A Christmas miracle!

 

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Dec 16, 2016

And now for something completely different! With special guest Chelsea from Twincast Cosplay we take a long, long look at the fashion do's and don'ts of some of the biggest stars Spira has to offer! We break down Tidus's Blitzball uniform, Seymour's wedding gear, Rikku's diving suit and casual wear, Lulu's gothic phase, O'aka's Organ Grinder Monkey look and ask the ultimate question: who wore it better, Kuja or Yunalesca?

Find more of Chelsea's cosplay at: https://www.facebook.com/twincastcosplay/

Twitter: @squarerootspod
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Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com

Dec 12, 2016

Before we finish the game next episode we take an hour to dive into all the sidequests and minigames that Final Fantasy X has to offer! Matthew rejects Yojimbo’s lack of rabbitness, everyone’s favorite sitcom Fiends, Lulu’s summoner issues, Trommel’s death wish, Jim’s Naboo adventure, Jim has an out of body experience due to celestial mirror discussions, Matthew goes back to his home planet, Belgamine is a guh-guh-guh-ghost, the frustration of unskippable Dark Aeons, Jecht being a jerk in his spheres, Kinoc and Auron’s relationship, a surprise CD-I discussion, our final thoughts on Blitzball, lightning dodging, butterfly avoidance, monster hunting and more.

This week on Square Roots: We find Yojimbo, Anima, the Magus Sisters and get as many Celestial Weapons as we can handle.

Next week on Square Roots: WE FINISH THE GAAAAAAME!

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Dec 5, 2016

Things get much, much darker as there is much child murder in this episode and possibly in this chunk of Final Fantasy X. The chambers of the Fayth get real bad this episode, but the bosses get better. There are many, many flashbacks. We also explore the steamy sinful relationship between Jecht, Auron and Braska, we ponder the lack of clothing on Yunalesca, and Vanessa gets some audio issues and kind of sounds like a robot. But is this robot programmed for good or evil?

This week on Square Roots: We play through Zanarkand through the encounter with Yunalesca until we're back on the airship.


Next week on Square Roots: We go hang out with Maester Mika and do all sorts of fun sidequest shenanigans!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
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Nov 28, 2016

After kicking little Timmy out of the studio and sending George Lucas out for coffees we sing the theme to the Vanessa Girl anime and get started trekking through Mount Gagazet. On this week’s Square Roots: Vanessa reveals the secrets to the Ronso language, John performs the Yuna song, Vanessa’s Ronso fan fiction, Genki and Bizarro, Super Mecha Seymour, Tidus’s rad houseboat, creepy summoner wall body-horror, trying to figure out the dream-logic of Zanarkand, and so much more!


This week on Square Roots: We tour through the surprisingly long Mount Gagazet section of the game through until the start of Zanarkand.


Next week on Square Roots: We play through all of Zanarkand, and get back in the airship!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/squarerootspodcast
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

 

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Nov 25, 2016

This time on a very special episode of Square Roots we combine with Owen Choules from Classic Schmassic, Voltron-style, to form a super cool robot called Classic Roots! Its mission: to look at the feature film created as a prequel for the release of Final Fantasy XV, called Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV. We have so many questions, and even more inappropriate nicknames for the only slightly overweight Libertus. Questions like: Who are these people? Is this set before or during Final Fantasy XV? Where are all the chocobos? Why does that one guy have a super long sleeve? And why does he look like Tom Baker? Can this movie have only one female character at a time? Are giant statues smashing up a city cool? Judge for yourself, rent the movie, and then let us know what you think as we all prep for the release of Final Fantasy XV!

Reach us at:

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Final Fantasy XV - Somnus 8-Bit Version by Bwansson: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQJP75DkVunaXw4Sw2EcBxw

Awesome Ardyn Izunia art by:
http://w15nu91.deviantart.com/

Nov 21, 2016

After John calls off Matthew’s Phone Minute, we dive into a weird deathtrap dungeon where there’s an exit and they let you keep your weapons. This week: a super cool summon versus summon battle; Vanessa heckles John; zombie wyrms; we break into show tunes; we hit the lonely end of Maester Babyface; Seymour Soul Gobbler turns into Nega Seymour; Kimahri’s creepy voyeurist tendencies; and so much more! It’s jam packed with Chocobo racing and boss slaying and robots and all that junk. LISTEN NOW.


This week on Square Roots: We play Via Purifico through until you hit Mount Gagazet.


Next week on Square Roots: We tour through the surprisingly long Mount Gagazet section of the game through until the start of Zanarkand.

 

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Nov 14, 2016

Audio problem is fixed!

CHILLS from Wakka's glares! THRILLS as we encounter or possibly summon a Ghost Wendigo! MARVEL as Tidus kind of ignores Dona! This week on Square Roots we go from wandering in an endless desert hunting sandworms to translating Al Bhed chests, go on trial for sorta kinda killing Seymour, and so much more. ALSO! Things get a little too sexy as John tries to figure out another term for pocket aces, Matthew makes some kind of nerd reference no one understands, Vanessa may be slipping so deep into her child voice that she can't return, and Jim introduces the smooth, smooth segues that he's famous for.

This week on Square Roots: We play from the Sanubia Desert until the Via Purifico.

Next week on Square Roots: We play Via Purifico through until the end of the Calm Lands.

 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

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Nov 7, 2016

It’s all cats all the time this week on Square Roots as George Lucas gets kicked out of the studio, we make fun of Doctor Who sets, three out of four hosts cry at the movie Rudy, we dodge lightning, Rikku goes all Ringu, we find out some hard truths about Seymour, there’s a big fight about atheism, and we hit one of the best boss battles in Final Fantasy history. A plus-sized episode filled to the brim with songs, the bullshit minigame corner, our hosts being attracted to video game characters, and everything else you love about JRPGs and tolerate about Square Roots!

This week on Square Roots: We play from leaving Guadosalam through until you hit the Sanubia desert.

Next week on Square Roots: We play from the desert through until you reach Via Purifico.

 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

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Oct 31, 2016

Shoopuffs: just another disappointing brontosaurus? We make fun of Jurassic Park, Matthew, makes the worst joke ever about the Moonflow, O’aka’s poor clothing choices, John stirs up beef with Portland, Tidus is the Zach Morris of Final Fantasy, Vanessa takes Seymour to the vet’s office, Seymour’s yam sized hands, a brief visit to the afterlife, which is kind of like Disneyworld in this place, and so, so much more!

This week: We play from leaving the Djose temple until we reach Guadosalam.

Next week: A marathon session from Guadosalam until we arrive at the desert!

 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

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Oct 28, 2016

It's an all new Square Roots Vs. episode! This time we're joined by Matt Chandronait of the Rebel FM podcast! Get ready for a spoooooooky halloween special as we cover Sweet Home, a NES era JRPG that also happens to be the FIRST survival horror game! Created by Tokuro Fujiwara of Resident Evil fame it's a surprisingly great game!

We also talk about Matt's history with the RPG and survival horror genres and Rebel FMs upcoming Extra Life Child's Play 24 hr charity stream! You can find more info about it right here:

http://www.extra-life.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=229106

It's a great cause so make sure you join in and DONATE!!!

You can find Matt regularly over at the Rebel FM podcast and on Twitter @talkingorange.

Oct 24, 2016

Legal sparks fly as Jim presides over the case of all cases: is Sin a whale? With Matthew on the con corner and Vanessa defending her thesis all rules are out the window... except THE RULE OF LAW.

Also this week: Can Sin melt steel beams? Are Summoners just visiting gyms collecting Pokemon? Are Dona and Barthello really banging? Do tubby bald men with no beards look like giant babies? Is Tidus unfairly biased against Seymour? Are the Trials of the Fayth better or worse than real dungeons? Will the Chocobo Eater actually eat a chocobo?

Find out, on this action-packed episode of Square Roots!

This week: We play from the Mi'ihen Highroad through until the end of the Djose Temple.

Next week: Leaving the Djose Temple through until the end of Guano Salaam, which apparently involves Shoopuffs but Johnny doesn't remember what they are and he writes these notes.

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

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Oct 17, 2016

So. Much. World. Building. From a minigame involving blowing away insults from your father so you can learn a special trick to our first full game of Blitzball it seems like Final Fantasy X is concentrating on everything but the usual JRPG fare. Other topics include: evil ski teams, Dona’s outfit, heresy, Jecht’s salary and reality show, Suzanne Vega, religious sports sponsorship, Blitzball team names, the ramifications of the early whale reveal, and of course the madness and joy of this game’s famous minigame. Also there’s the most insane Bullshit Minigame Corner ever!

This week: we play from the start of the game until we reunite with an old friend after the Blitzball game.

Next week: From the Mi'ihen Highroad through until the end of Djose! 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

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Oct 10, 2016

Our first Final Fantasy X episode! Matthew, John, Jim and professional whaler Vanessa dive into the crystal clear waters of Spira. We start with memories of our first experiences with the Final Fantasy X and move on to the Quest Log to discuss the physiognomy of skeleton fish, Tidus’s imaginary pen, creepy ghost kids, Phantasy Star girls, the special properties of Spira’s water, convenient sin foggies, Tidus’s dad hatred, Wakka’s fundamentalist streak, Yuna does some dancing for a pterodactyl with boobs, Tidus does some Zidane style perving, we try to figure out what exactly Sin looks like, and debate the merits of Japanese death metal. And hey, the Bullshit Minigame Corner is BACK!

 

This week: we play from the start of the game until we reach the village of Kilika.

Next week: we’ll play until we leave Luca!

 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

 

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

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Oct 3, 2016

Nadia Oxford of Tiny Girl Tiny Games, USGamer and Axe of the Blood God joins us as we explore the finale of Secret of Mana! Jim and Matthew have a beach episode, we debate the naming of the vampire Buffy, whether or not Dyluck killed himself, if we killed the Mana Beast, Sexy Grandma giving life advice to Phanna, and so much more. Also: Nadia answers our Secret of Mana questions, putting to rest whether or not Boy and Girl are related, the relationship between Sarin and Tree Mom, the ultimate fate of Flammie, and whether or not the Mana games take place on earth.

Also: we announce the next game we will be playing! For real!

Find more of Nadia’s work at:
http://www.usgamer.net
http://www.tinygirltinygames.com
http://bloodgodpod.libsyn.com/

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Intro and outro music by: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand
Cover art by; http://xeehsl.deviantart.com/

Sep 30, 2016

What really is the Secret of Mana? Is Vanessa going to be a regular cohost? What’s the deal with airline food? Do you want to play Vanessa’s new game, Undiscovered Honor: Todd? Jim assumes that Flammie can talk, we compare the third act of Secret of Mana to Final Fantasy IX, we look back at gaming memories, talk about Indio, the exile of our secret former host, and so much more!

Twitter: @squarerootspod

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com


Music is from the classic Phantasy Star 2!

Sep 25, 2016

As we venture towards the end of the game and play through the Grand Palace and the Pure Lands Square Roots may be experiencing a form of Mana fatigue. A terrifying child joins us as we blow up some crystals, turtle dudes turn into hot rods, we debate the gender of Fanha, MECH RIDER 3, Matthew and Vanessa sing some Hamilton, we do a six-boss boss rush, Jim delights in the destruction of the mana tree, we all get excited trying to unravel the implications of Tree Mom’s confessions, discuss the lack of variety of boss strategies, and ever so much more.

Next week: we’ll be finishing up Secret of Mana entirely, so give us your questions for our wrap-up episode.


Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Intro and outro music by: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand

If you listen close you might find a clue to the next game we're playing. Just maybe.

Sep 18, 2016

Ho. Lee. Crap. People. It's excitement, adventure, and Matthew almost rage quitting, all on this all-new part 9 of our playthrough of Secret of Mana! 

This week in Square Roots we near the end of the adventure by leaving the Moon Palace, traveling to Tasnica and the Cave of Courage, then clearing out the Mana Palace and Underground City! Also this week: John’s sick and a secret shorto! Matthew bans any further Jar Jar impressions as we meet with Jehk, Vanessa recounts her disappointment with Tasnica, Vanessa makes grief-related sex puns, we discover Empowered Grandma’s alternate identity, get lectured on courage, debate whether the Mana Palace and Underground City are two different dungeons, we get some prime Matthew rage, we criticize the works of American songwriter Stephen Sondheim, Matthew will EXPLODE YOUR BRAIN with the explanation of the enemies on the Subway, kettle-based Otherkin, and Reverse Santa Claus. All this and more!


Next week: we play from the end of the Underground City through the Pure Lands until you’re prepped for the final confrontation of the game! Only two more episodes to go!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Intro and outro music by: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand

Sep 11, 2016

There's some vampire talk, Jim says lots of H names, Vanessa sings an amazing Quest Log song, and we finally have the gift of Flammie Flight! We head out to Turtle Island, then hit up the Lofty Mountains, we visit the Galt's Gulch that is Turtle Island. We find out some mind-blowing secrets about the prehistory of the world of Mana, the frustration of palette-swapped enemies, George Lucas discovers Jehk, we find a golden city, do some fetch quests, and then hit up the rip in space and time where John sees... well... John drinks too much coffee, has a Jesse Spano freakout, takes bad notes, goes all Georgia O'Keefe, and it's terrible and possibly ruins the podcast. Forever? Find out!

Next time on Square Roots: We'll play from after the Moon Palace through until the end of the ancient subway!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Intro and outro music by: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand
Luna Pattern: http://www.redbubble.com/people/techranova/works/15241556-luna-secret-of-mana-seiken-densetsu?p=scarf

Sep 4, 2016

We get shot out of a cannon into the heart of the Empire, where we get our sneaky spying on, go through an absurdly spacious sewer, get totally Lando'd, and get our revenge of the Mech Rider! Other topics covered include John's Juggalo intervention, the surprisingly nice Empire, crazy hoarder Mara's mysterious box, our Matthew gets broken, the disappointing Tiger Bikini, child luring, the Phanna disaster, Dyluck's Pity Power, the Squaresoft Laugh, the most adorable vampire, Emperor Nietzche, John's Amazing Three's Company Joke, and so much more. Come! Join us!

Next time on Square Roots: we'll play through until the end of the Moon Palace.

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com

Theme music by https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand

Aug 28, 2016

We head out to the land of jerk wolves and cute Walrus people, teenage John groans at meeting Rudolph the Red Nosed Raendeer, crash a real-estate resort scheme, that one episode where GI Joe was a bunch of jerks to Cobra, the Mana team as a anarchist-communist instrument of change, John's girl problem, getting assaulted by three Denvers the Sex Vore Dinosaurs, many crickets, 16-bit ho-ho-ho's, is the Secret of Mana the origin of Mrs. Claus? What empowered older woman could possibly be his mate? We also head back to Kakkara, go through the most frustrating palace so far, get chucked around by a beefazoid minotaur, and then have to move on... but to where?

Next week: We play until the end of the Emperor's Palace!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme music by: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand

Aug 26, 2016

This week we tackle a much-maligned JRPG from 1990: Super Hydlide. Is it as terrible as its reputation suggests? Johnny and Jim are joined by Caleb to see just how many times villagers can force us to starve to death, find out that our wallet is just too damn heavy, get stuck behind some friendly slimes at the self-checkout, starve to death some more, be too stupid to read the engravings on a tombstone, and ride on some of the most jarring difficulty curves in a game ever. Is T&E / Seismic's game a lost masterpiece? A bleeping piece of bleep? Is the music as rad as John remembers? Find out as we take this Genesis cart through the wringer and see if it can withstand the white-hot intensity of our judgment.

But really though.

That music is rad.

If you'd like to play along at home, and be forewarned, this game isn't intuitive, we play from the start through until the end of the Tower of Habel.

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Aug 23, 2016

Hello again! This is a fun little one off bloopers/cutting room floor episode of material i cut out of episode 21. It's mostly suicide squad talk and gross jokes. Suicide Squad spoilers abound!!! 

Let us know if you'd like to see more of these going forward, there is always plenty of stuff that gets cut from the final mix! 

Aug 21, 2016

This week on Square Roots we can't agree on Shovel Knight, Suicide Squad, Hamilton, or pretty much anything. We discuss getting seeded, grinding Secret of Mana the iOS / SNES Gontma translation error, a new idea of the true Secret of Mana, the comfort of straw beds, a few more zorbs, nonsensical rating systems, Girl versus the Patriarchy, and far, far, far too many cat puns.

We play from the Sprite Village in the Upper Lands through the Fungi villlage of Matango until we land in the village of Kakkara. Next week: The Ice Country through until the beefy minotaur at the end of the Fire Temple!

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
Theme Music By: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand

Sunnie's awesome Neko portrait: http://super-mario-rpg.tumblr.com/

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