Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through another chunk of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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Now displaying: April, 2016

THE Classic RPG Podcast, w/Jim Banks, John Brandon, Matthew Van Zandt & Vanessa

Apr 24, 2016

Part 4 of our playthrough of Final Fantasy IX opens with some questions: What would a date with Zidane be like? We explore this nightmare possibility, We do some Frog Hunting and pick up the terrifying, H.R. Pufnstuf-alike Quina, a blue mage comic relief character in a game with no real need for either. Fortunately grinding out her blue magic is pretty fun, if you have a FAQ.
John gets confused by the blue X being no and red O being yes when meeting the quiz-master Ragtime Mouse, who is not a mouse but actually is a horrible pair of lips on a spindly body.
Chocobo Hot & Cold makes John really, really angry, but he plays it for a couple of hours anyway because he makes terrible decisions with his life.
We start finding a whole lot of dead Burmecians, rescue some moogles, and then destroy Gizamaluke using a tent as a weapon, which may be the strangest item animation and use ever. Also: don't climb up those vines in the Grotto. Just don't do it. Please. No.
Meanwhile Garnet is a pickle suprise as she's stuffed in a sack like a whole lot of sorries.
Burmecia has been slaughtered, which makes Freya kind of sad, especially since she's all missing her boyfriend. Matt calls her clingy.
But! But! We finally meet Kuja! Is Kuja the most impractically dressed Final Fantasy character or the most impractically dressed male Final Fantasy character? Matthew is surprisingly unphased by this new villain, which disappoints Jim and John immensely.
We wrap up with Squarely Against and questions from you, our listeners! If you'd like us to read your questions about this game, other JRPGs, or advice to help you and your family, especially in tax season.
If you are playing along at home, in this episode we play from leaving Lindblum through Gizamaluke's Grotto until the end of Burmecia. Next time we'll play through until the dark, sketchy city of Treno! See you there.

Apr 18, 2016

In this week's shocking episode reality is shattered as Jim confesses that he likes Steiner. Meanwhile, the group ventures to Dali where, as Jim puts it, "all the townspeople are stupid." We confront the horror that is being trapped inside a coffin, Vivi has an existential meltdown, friendly black mages are literally melted down, there's about an hour of cutscenes and talking, John posits that not only do thousands seem to die every time there's a cutscene in the game, but that cutscenes involving explosions and massive damage have too much visual noise to be engaging. When we get control again there's The Hunt in Lindblum, we stalk an actor from I Want To Be Your Canary, John takes a dive to get Freya's accessory, and for once it's Zidane who gets roofied.
Other highlights: Vivi has an a real Orphan Black situation; Vivi's head: a long black tube; Steiner yells at a senior citizen; Matthew reveals his true feelings about Zidane; John experiences human emotions; the morality and logistics of the Hunt; and Matthew and John both decide to have their own corners, complete with theme songs; letters from listeners, and much, much more!
If you're playing along at home in this episode we cover from the village of Dali through until the end of the Hunt in Lindblum. Next week: we finish Disc One, or for you non-PlayStation 1 players, we get our butts handed to us in Burmecia.

Apr 10, 2016

We dive deeper into the world of Final Fantasy IX as we venture forth from the ruins of the airship Prima Vista into the clutches of the fairly aptly named Evil Forest. We begin to have our first real fights - you know, ones you can lose - while Steiner is held captive, Vivi and Garnet get into danger, and Zidane has to fight his way out of Tantalus to save the day.

Focal points for this episode: Jim calls the podcast a game and we don't correct him; does Cinna use the Garnet doll for sexual purposes; does John have a Cinna outfit; Square Roots narrowly avoids becoming the dankest potcast; Matthew doesn't believe in grinding; the probably death of Tantalus; we encounter Waltz #1; Jim offers his life-coaching services; finally we adopt and probably abandon a new segment, Squarely Against.

For those of you playing along at home, we move from the Evil Forest through to the Ice Cavern. Ignore what Jim says, Episode 3 will be from the village of Dali through until the end of the Hunt in Lindblum.

Finally, if you enjoy Square Roots, tell your friends! Rate and review us on iTunes! Send lots of emails to ! This is the only way you will level up in the eyes of God.

Apr 3, 2016

It's the first real episode of Square Roots, the Classic RPG podcast! We begin with the recently re-released (on iOS and Android anyhow) Final Fantasy IX! So many questions are raised in this episode: does Zidane have the Jonathan Taylor Thomas haircut or the Rachel? What is Cinna wearing? Does Blank have pants? Is Vivi a sad little garbage orphan child? We would explain how Triple Triad works, but honestly we don't know.

We bravely push through a whole ton of plot stuff as we establish Vivi, Steiner, Zidane, Garnet and Quina as well as a whole host of side characters. If you're playing along at home we will play until you reach The Evil Forest, and next episode will be until the end of The Ice Cavern.

Also: cat rescue, jumping rope, Steiner is Jim's favorite character, imagining what Queen Brahne would sound like,