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Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through another chunk of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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THE Classic RPG Podcast, w/Jim Banks, John Brandon, Matthew Van Zandt & Vanessa

Aug 28, 2016

We head out to the land of jerk wolves and cute Walrus people, teenage John groans at meeting Rudolph the Red Nosed Raendeer, crash a real-estate resort scheme, that one episode where GI Joe was a bunch of jerks to Cobra, the Mana team as a anarchist-communist instrument of change, John's girl problem, getting assaulted by three Denvers the Sex Vore Dinosaurs, many crickets, 16-bit ho-ho-ho's, is the Secret of Mana the origin of Mrs. Claus? What empowered older woman could possibly be his mate? We also head back to Kakkara, go through the most frustrating palace so far, get chucked around by a beefazoid minotaur, and then have to move on... but to where?

Next week: We play until the end of the Emperor's Palace!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme music by: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand

Aug 26, 2016

This week we tackle a much-maligned JRPG from 1990: Super Hydlide. Is it as terrible as its reputation suggests? Johnny and Jim are joined by Caleb to see just how many times villagers can force us to starve to death, find out that our wallet is just too damn heavy, get stuck behind some friendly slimes at the self-checkout, starve to death some more, be too stupid to read the engravings on a tombstone, and ride on some of the most jarring difficulty curves in a game ever. Is T&E / Seismic's game a lost masterpiece? A bleeping piece of bleep? Is the music as rad as John remembers? Find out as we take this Genesis cart through the wringer and see if it can withstand the white-hot intensity of our judgment.

But really though.

That music is rad.

If you'd like to play along at home, and be forewarned, this game isn't intuitive, we play from the start through until the end of the Tower of Habel.

Our incredible Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Our Twitter: @squarerootspod
Our Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 23, 2016

Hello again! This is a fun little one off bloopers/cutting room floor episode of material i cut out of episode 21. It's mostly suicide squad talk and gross jokes. Suicide Squad spoilers abound!!! 

Let us know if you'd like to see more of these going forward, there is always plenty of stuff that gets cut from the final mix! 

Aug 21, 2016

This week on Square Roots we can't agree on Shovel Knight, Suicide Squad, Hamilton, or pretty much anything. We discuss getting seeded, grinding Secret of Mana the iOS / SNES Gontma translation error, a new idea of the true Secret of Mana, the comfort of straw beds, a few more zorbs, nonsensical rating systems, Girl versus the Patriarchy, and far, far, far too many cat puns.

We play from the Sprite Village in the Upper Lands through the Fungi villlage of Matango until we land in the village of Kakkara. Next week: The Ice Country through until the beefy minotaur at the end of the Fire Temple!

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
Theme Music By: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand

Sunnie's awesome Neko portrait: http://super-mario-rpg.tumblr.com/

Aug 19, 2016

It's that time again (for the first time)! Our August mailbag episode is here with special guest Julian Titus of the Nerds Without Pants podcast! 

Listen to Matt, Jim, Vanessa and Julian answer all your questions! Or try to answer them at least! 

Find Julian on twitter @julian_titus and the Nerds Without Pants podcast @NWPCast, episodes on iTunes and everywhere else! 

Thanks for listening! Kisses! Bieeeeeeeeee!

Intro/Outro theme: 

Holder & Ephixa - Victory Fanfare (Final Fantasy VII Remix)
http://soundcloud.com/Ephixa
http://soundcloud.com/MajorLeagueWobs
https://youtu.be/ywlZBMWvYNU


Aug 14, 2016

We learn the true secret of the manaboys in today's all new episode of Square Roots! We cannon travel to the northern lands where the seasons constantly change and fight all manner of critters. The Moogle village revealed, Spirte's memory loss scam, Luca's evil scheme, Watt's the roadie, Jema the Dude and Spring Beak! We also hear a terrible joke from John, Jim HATES the word Manaboy and we get a little political at the top but not really! All of that and more on today's SQUARE ROOTS!

Next time: we'll be playing through the remainder of the Upper Lands, through Matango, rescuing a dragon, and getting kidnapped in Kakkara! 

Opening and Closing Music by: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9Qc5eUj_rkUECdxPAZcFTg

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

BIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

Aug 12, 2016

Stan from the They See Me Rolling returns to guide Matthew, Jim, and Vanessa through the exciting conclusion of the two-part Final Fantasy themed Fate game!  Guided by Celes, the mash-em-up team of Zidane, Cid, and Lulu set out to track down their vanished friend, Sephiroth.  Faced with the most horrifying gathering on Midgar, will our heroes be able to reach Sephiroth before it’s too late?  Will they discover who is behind his devious abduction?  Will they learn the difference between a hatchet and a cleaver?  Will Zidane finally push Lulu too far?  Will Jim be too drunk to continue?  Find out these answers and more on Part 2 of Final Fantasy Fates!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

 

Aug 7, 2016

We put Horny Grandma and Macho Man Jimmy Savage to bed, possibly together and then push on through Luka's special cave surprise! We get totally destroyed by Denver the Last Dinosaur, who isn't your friend and is into vore, Jimmy experiences N-U-I, Boy's lack of magic gifts, Sprite's villainity, Gaia's Navel's music versus hangovers, Gnome's use of the third person, Girl's slight Dyluck obsession, Floating Tomato Zombie Men, Thanatos's evil skull head, and finally John's Hot Facts!

Next time: we'll beat up a killer robot, mash some Sonics, and then destroy the Spring Beak in the Sprite Village!

Opening and Closing Music by: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9Qc5eUj_rkUECdxPAZcFTg

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

ENJOYYYYYYYYYYYY

Aug 4, 2016

Stan from They See Me Rolling joins Matthew, Jim and Vanessa in this special two-part role playing spectacular! In this roleplaying mash-em-up they play the pen and paper RPG Fate as their favorite Final Fantasy characters: Matthew as Zidane from Final Fantasy 9, Jim as Cid Highwind from Final Fantasy 7, and Vanessa tackles Lulu from Final Fantasy 10! This disparate gang is brought together by the mysterious Celes to kill Kefka so they can return to their home worlds. Important notes from the quest log include: the origin of the Bio attack, Celes's weird chocobo, their new pal Bro Sephiroth, and all the action, adventure and mystery you'd expect from a very special Final Fantasy Adventure! (Note: not actually Final Fantasy Adventure, the GB title.)

Stay tuned next week for Part 2!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Jul 31, 2016

We start off with far too much Sexy Grandma, the Boy gets some optional aid to get out of some.... hot water! Huh? Yeah. Girl gets her rescue on, the notorious price gouger Neko, some classic Final Fantasy dwarves, Vanessa's favorite character lets a child drown, your new pal the Sprite totally cons you, Pineapple Rayman, we get moogled, theories of Dyluck and Girl's relationship, Elinee's possible secret identity, and murdering exotic animals for fun times.

Next time: we will finally get our third party member, some magic, and beat up both the Fire Gigas and the cult temple's wall!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Today's cover art: http://robscorner.tumblr.com/

Jul 28, 2016

We attempt our first in a... well, possible series of looking at terrible RPGs with the baffling, barely translated, Super Ninja Boy. This early SNES JRPG takes some great ideas and combines them with inscrutible translation, laggy controls, and the highest random encounter ratio of any game we've ever played. We're joined from the Comrade Radio Boss Malcolm Nygard for this exercise in self-harm. I hope you like it!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Jul 24, 2016

Yay! It's finally time to uncover the Secret of Mana! Secrets we learn today: John's latent sexism, Vanessa's operating thetan levels, chubby haired kids, John accidentally creates a new sexy Grandma character, the anatomy of the rabites, Jema's tough love teaching techniques, Vanessa's crush on Dyluck, why there are a few issues with the goblins, and so, so much more!

Next time: we will play through until the notorious tiger boss in Elinee's Palace.

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com

Theme music by the Tetriminos, this week's cover art from: http://kamon6280.deviantart.com/

Jul 17, 2016

Did Vivi die? Is Kuja also dead, or running a school for Effeminate Boys? Is Quina Shrek? What was the deal with the crystals that Kuja was stealing? What the heck happened with Necron? Do all kids pretty much look alike? So many questions. And so many answers, with Rob and Vanessa (AKA Nessa, AKA Ness, AKA Nuh) on board to help sort us out.

 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
E
mail: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com

Awesome theme tune from Husky By the Geek!

Amazing cover art by @rotmouth!

Jul 10, 2016

Holy crap! Final Fantasy IX is over! It's so over! Was mixing the Zidanians and the Black Mages a bad idea or a terrible idea? Chekov's colored swimming pool; Garnet's real name; the right of a well-regulated Quina militia; Ghost Space Dad; Carl Death Sr.; OUR FIRST DRAMATIC RECREATION AT THE CELLPHONE HOSPITAL; tempers flare as we try to make sense of what Kuja did; we try to figure out Fart Scarecrow years; and so much more!

Next week: there's gonna be a mailbag, we dissect story elements with Rob Schubert, and announce the next game!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com

Also used this week: Husky By The Geek's Cover of You're Not Alone.

Jul 3, 2016

Jim, Matthew and John grumble about the character pairing at the shrines in Disc 4 and wonder why you can’t just play the actual battles. They also spend a weird amount of time discussing whether or not Zidane’s junk has been visible the entire game, Garnet’s moon color, George Lucas impressions, Zidane being a jerk to everyone, Bronies, throwing a tent at bosses and how Tantalus makes no sense.

This episode we make our way to Bran Bal and work through Pandemonium! Next time we finish the game! For real this time!

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com

Twitter: @squarerootspod

Facebook: www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Read more at http://squareroots.libsyn.com/

Jun 26, 2016

We accidentally start as a Game of Thronescast before plunging deep into The Bishop of Counting, Esto Gaza's Secret Pokemon, Mole People, Zorn and Thorn's Cosmic Body Horror, Kuja's Facebook, Cid's faulty gaydar, this game's conference problem, HR versus Cinna, The East Texas Handshake, Garnet gives herself a Mom haircut, hair Fleshlights, and so, so much more!

This episode we head from Esto Gaza through the Gulug Mine until the ned of Ipsen's Castle. Next time: we play until the end of Disc 4!

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Today's show art: http://vervain-vanity.deviantart.com/

Jun 20, 2016

Jim, Matthew and John once again mangle pronunciation of Oeilvert as the party was split between two dungeons and Matthew chose his party so, so wrong. Other topics for your enjoyment: John’s buoyancy, being humiliated in Overwatch, Mecha Dory, Jim’s Terrible Cactaur Hypothesis, The Hall Of Many (Creepy Baby Doll) Faces, the Terra Discovery Fun Science Center, Matthew’s correct observation that Gaia has two moons, the genre switch from fantasy to sci-fi, some wild plot guessing as John and Matthew get increasingly confused by the plot, the delicious Dessert Palace, the grossness of the term Hedgehog Pie, and so much more.

There's also the Deep Dungeon, John's Bullshit Minigame Corner, and we take your questions including a dramatic reading of a letter from Julian from Nerds Without Pants.

This episode we play from Oeilvert through until we reach Esto Gaza in hot for soup of Kuja. Next week: we play through from the Gulgug mines until the end of Ipsen's Castle.

Hit us up:

Facebook: www.facebook.com/squareroots
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com

Jun 12, 2016

This week on Square Roots we get panicky in the deep end of Final Fantasy IX as Zidane recovers from his dramatic rescue of Garnet and ignoring Eiko; also: Matthew explains Teen Fortress 2; ignoring a giant laser eye; Courtney Love's I Am Doll Farts; King Cid's Lazy Moving Throne; Matthew dismisses Garnet's depression; Burmecian Rat Kings; King Cid's second transformation; Engineer Zebolt's peacocking; we brainstorm ideas for Kuja's missing kidnap scene; Kuja's lack of seating surfaces; and much, much more!

In this episode we play from Zidane awakening in Lindblum to the city of Oeilvert in Disc 3. Next episode: We play from Oeilvert until Esto Gaza!

If you have your own ideas for how Kuja kidnapped the entire party, send 'em out to us in one of these ways:

Twitter: @Squarerootspod
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/squarerootspodcast
Email: squareroots@squadcast.info

Today's cover art: zedig.deviantart.com

 

Jun 9, 2016

We welcome our first guest, Vanessa, to our first mailbag episode! Covered in this episode: who is the best and worst Final Fantasy character; the best way to start an RPG; casting the Gilmore Girls and Supernatural Bros as Final Fantasy characters; TV shows and movies as JRPGs; dopey mascot characters; Undertale as an Earthbound successor; your boat insurance needs; Sandstorm!; and so much more!

Want to get in on these letters? You can contact us! In so many wonderful ways!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/squarerootspodcast
Email: squareroots@squadcast.info

Episode cover art: http://hachiimon.deviantart.com/

Jun 5, 2016

On this exciting episode of Square Roots, we finally hit Disc 3 of Final Fantasy IX! Subjects explored include: Shakespearean farts, John can't remember Gilbert and Sullivan for about a whole minute, Matthew drops the bomb that Dr. Tot isn't a guy with a huge nose: he's a bird, New Garnet, nosebleed boners, children's natural fear of Quina, Amarant's weirdly undramatic vendetta, Kuja's Trapper Keeper Poetry, and so much more! Also: Matthew explains Tetra Master, there's an adorable book demon, and we explore the possibility of pooping Pokemon.

This week we start at the beginning of Disc 3 and play until Zidane wakes up in Lindblum.

Level yourselves up by contacting us!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: www.facebook.com/squarerootspodcast
Email: squareroots@squadcast.info

May 29, 2016

In this episode of Square Roots we finish Final Fantasy IX's Disc 2, explore possible explanations for the othering of dwarves, Dave the holy man, the terrible and disturbing marriage between Zidane and Garnet, the terrible-er and disturbing-er marriage between Quina and Vivi, the introduction of Eiko, a debate on the pronunciation of Eiko, the creepiness of the anime trope of a child being in love with the hero, finding fetish gear in your size as a larger troll, Matthew's brain noises, HILL GET GUARDED!, we get judgey about Eiko's living situation, John's Eiko goes full Carol Channing, angry porno music, skull faced brick tree things, Vivi as Skull Tree Fart Poop, Matthew solves the Hilgigard conundrum, Amarant's Ed Hardy Shirts, and the tragic (?) beaching of a villain.

Next episode: we play until we reach the town of Oeilvert!

Reach us on Twitter at @squarerootspod
Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/squarerootspodcast
Email us at squareroots@squadcast.info !

This ep's episode art: piyo119.deviantart.com/

 

May 22, 2016

In this week’s Square Roots, Matthew tries out a new robo-Matthew bit that becomes the show’s new gold standard and our characters make their way to the ruined Lindblum, where they encounter one hilarious tragedy after another. Jim and John try to dive into Matthew’s psyche to figure out why he thinks dead families are so hilarious and we meet the very scary Armodullahan and the strangely Zidane-esque Lani. The guys also criticize the game’s transportation methods and ATEs, spend waaaay too much time talking about how to get into the black mage village and everything we talk about gets ‘-GATE’ added to the end of it for dramatic effect. We also get super somber and talk about the life expectancy of black mages and Zidane’s abuse at the hands of Baku, John decides to give our listeners permission to skip this week’s bullshit mini-game because it’s awful and much, much more!

Next time we'll play up until the end of Disc 2, or the Battle of the Iifa Tree!

Please level up by rating and reviewing our podcast, following us on Twitter at @squarerootspod, and sending us your comments and questions to squareroots@squadcast.info !

Today's episode art is from http://eikomakimachi.deviantart.com/

 

May 15, 2016

We start with a brand new glamorous Newsies segment before diving into Out of this World / Another World cage swinging, and emerge deep in the bowels of Alexandria to save the Princess. Topics covered: metal swimsuits, Marcus's giant junk, stomping the crap out of Zorn and Thorn, Beatrix once again decides to stomp you with her irritating Stock Break, Steiner and Beatrix pass the moral event horizon, the introduction of Lani and the big-handed, dreadlocked bounty hunter, Temple of Doom CGI cutscenes, the pronounciation of Ramuh, and much more! There's also our Q&A, we get angry at the Terrible GameFAQs Thread of the Week, John goes for his Deep Dives and Bullshit Minigame Corner and there's real thunder.

Please level up by rating and reviewing our podcast, following us on Twitter at @squarerootspod, and sending us your comments and questions!

Our episode art is an original fan work created by Obeyecow!

May 8, 2016

It's a dance-filled dance dance-tacular this week as the dancing Burmecians and Cleyrans unite in an effort to fend off Alexandria. It fails. Zidane and Freya promise to protect the tree. They don't. Kuja turns out to perhaps be the Goblin King from Labyrinth, there's a giant mud man marshmallow creature, terrible music, this is what it sounds like when a harp breaks, Sir Fratley comes alive, Glenda the Good Witch bubbles, the insanity of Chocobo's Dream World, many, many Kingdom Hearts questions from Vanessa, and whether or not Shadow the Hedgehog is a spinoff or a mainline Sonic sequel. For those playing at home, we journey from Cleyra through to the Red Rose. Next episode, we'll venture through Alexandria Castle and finish up the Hero's Story in Pinnacle Rocks! As always the best way to level up is to rate and review us on iTunes, and don't forget to send us email at squareroots#squadcast.info and hit us up on @squarerootspod on Twitter!

May 1, 2016

“Anyone who likes pickles are nice people” opens the South Gate guard as we begin Disc 2. This time it’s all Steiner and Garnet, Zidane and his gang are all sequestered into a separate quest. We have a chance encounter with Cinna and Marcus at Summit Station, The game spends an inordinate amount time explaining Fantasy Mass Transit Systems this episode, and Matthew isn’t having any of it. Marcus is out to find Super Soft (A Photo of Matthew’s mom, SICK BURRRRN) and out of a sense of loyalty Garnet and Steiner join him in finding this cure. In this week’s edition of a non-weekly segment, John’s Tips and Tricks, he explains how to make lots of money very quickly. We decide that we are now a political podcast, so get ready for some hot, hot takes. John takes about twenty minutes to steal a Flame Staff from the Black Waltz when you can easily synthesize it later, and John makes some poor life choices. We meet Mr. Ghost, an adorable ghost who loves ore, get killed by some murder plants, and find Vivi’s childhood home. John puts those Stellazios to good use and gets the game breaking Blood Sword.

 

Further discussion points: What Qu’uns sound like, the cyclical nature of aristocratic classes, Steiner actually becomes likable for about ten seconds, the Shakespearean influences, not terrible minigames, Matthew’s advocation of enslaving giant bugs, Matthew’s fan mail, John’s deep love for Shadow Hearts, and much, much more! Okay. Some more.

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