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Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through another chunk of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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THE Classic RPG Podcast, w/Jim Banks, John Brandon, Matthew Van Zandt & Vanessa

Oct 28, 2016

It's an all new Square Roots Vs. episode! This time we're joined by Matt Chandronait of the Rebel FM podcast! Get ready for a spoooooooky halloween special as we cover Sweet Home, a NES era JRPG that also happens to be the FIRST survival horror game! Created by Tokuro Fujiwara of Resident Evil fame it's a surprisingly great game!

We also talk about Matt's history with the RPG and survival horror genres and Rebel FMs upcoming Extra Life Child's Play 24 hr charity stream! You can find more info about it right here:

http://www.extra-life.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=229106

It's a great cause so make sure you join in and DONATE!!!

You can find Matt regularly over at the Rebel FM podcast and on Twitter @talkingorange.

Oct 24, 2016

Legal sparks fly as Jim presides over the case of all cases: is Sin a whale? With Matthew on the con corner and Vanessa defending her thesis all rules are out the window... except THE RULE OF LAW.

Also this week: Can Sin melt steel beams? Are Summoners just visiting gyms collecting Pokemon? Are Dona and Barthello really banging? Do tubby bald men with no beards look like giant babies? Is Tidus unfairly biased against Seymour? Are the Trials of the Fayth better or worse than real dungeons? Will the Chocobo Eater actually eat a chocobo?

Find out, on this action-packed episode of Square Roots!

This week: We play from the Mi'ihen Highroad through until the end of the Djose Temple.

Next week: Leaving the Djose Temple through until the end of Guano Salaam, which apparently involves Shoopuffs but Johnny doesn't remember what they are and he writes these notes.

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

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Oct 17, 2016

So. Much. World. Building. From a minigame involving blowing away insults from your father so you can learn a special trick to our first full game of Blitzball it seems like Final Fantasy X is concentrating on everything but the usual JRPG fare. Other topics include: evil ski teams, Dona’s outfit, heresy, Jecht’s salary and reality show, Suzanne Vega, religious sports sponsorship, Blitzball team names, the ramifications of the early whale reveal, and of course the madness and joy of this game’s famous minigame. Also there’s the most insane Bullshit Minigame Corner ever!

This week: we play from the start of the game until we reunite with an old friend after the Blitzball game.

Next week: From the Mi'ihen Highroad through until the end of Djose! 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

Links Youtube

Patreon!

Loudr

Twitter

Instagram

SoundCloud

Tumblr

Google+

 

Oct 10, 2016

Our first Final Fantasy X episode! Matthew, John, Jim and professional whaler Vanessa dive into the crystal clear waters of Spira. We start with memories of our first experiences with the Final Fantasy X and move on to the Quest Log to discuss the physiognomy of skeleton fish, Tidus’s imaginary pen, creepy ghost kids, Phantasy Star girls, the special properties of Spira’s water, convenient sin foggies, Tidus’s dad hatred, Wakka’s fundamentalist streak, Yuna does some dancing for a pterodactyl with boobs, Tidus does some Zidane style perving, we try to figure out what exactly Sin looks like, and debate the merits of Japanese death metal. And hey, the Bullshit Minigame Corner is BACK!

 

This week: we play from the start of the game until we reach the village of Kilika.

Next week: we’ll play until we leave Luca!

 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

 

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

Links Youtube

Patreon!

Loudr

Twitter

Instagram

SoundCloud

Tumblr

Google+



Oct 3, 2016

Nadia Oxford of Tiny Girl Tiny Games, USGamer and Axe of the Blood God joins us as we explore the finale of Secret of Mana! Jim and Matthew have a beach episode, we debate the naming of the vampire Buffy, whether or not Dyluck killed himself, if we killed the Mana Beast, Sexy Grandma giving life advice to Phanna, and so much more. Also: Nadia answers our Secret of Mana questions, putting to rest whether or not Boy and Girl are related, the relationship between Sarin and Tree Mom, the ultimate fate of Flammie, and whether or not the Mana games take place on earth.

Also: we announce the next game we will be playing! For real!

Find more of Nadia’s work at:
http://www.usgamer.net
http://www.tinygirltinygames.com
http://bloodgodpod.libsyn.com/

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Intro and outro music by: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand
Cover art by; http://xeehsl.deviantart.com/

Sep 30, 2016

What really is the Secret of Mana? Is Vanessa going to be a regular cohost? What’s the deal with airline food? Do you want to play Vanessa’s new game, Undiscovered Honor: Todd? Jim assumes that Flammie can talk, we compare the third act of Secret of Mana to Final Fantasy IX, we look back at gaming memories, talk about Indio, the exile of our secret former host, and so much more!

Twitter: @squarerootspod

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com


Music is from the classic Phantasy Star 2!

Sep 25, 2016

As we venture towards the end of the game and play through the Grand Palace and the Pure Lands Square Roots may be experiencing a form of Mana fatigue. A terrifying child joins us as we blow up some crystals, turtle dudes turn into hot rods, we debate the gender of Fanha, MECH RIDER 3, Matthew and Vanessa sing some Hamilton, we do a six-boss boss rush, Jim delights in the destruction of the mana tree, we all get excited trying to unravel the implications of Tree Mom’s confessions, discuss the lack of variety of boss strategies, and ever so much more.

Next week: we’ll be finishing up Secret of Mana entirely, so give us your questions for our wrap-up episode.


Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Intro and outro music by: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand

If you listen close you might find a clue to the next game we're playing. Just maybe.

Sep 18, 2016

Ho. Lee. Crap. People. It's excitement, adventure, and Matthew almost rage quitting, all on this all-new part 9 of our playthrough of Secret of Mana! 

This week in Square Roots we near the end of the adventure by leaving the Moon Palace, traveling to Tasnica and the Cave of Courage, then clearing out the Mana Palace and Underground City! Also this week: John’s sick and a secret shorto! Matthew bans any further Jar Jar impressions as we meet with Jehk, Vanessa recounts her disappointment with Tasnica, Vanessa makes grief-related sex puns, we discover Empowered Grandma’s alternate identity, get lectured on courage, debate whether the Mana Palace and Underground City are two different dungeons, we get some prime Matthew rage, we criticize the works of American songwriter Stephen Sondheim, Matthew will EXPLODE YOUR BRAIN with the explanation of the enemies on the Subway, kettle-based Otherkin, and Reverse Santa Claus. All this and more!


Next week: we play from the end of the Underground City through the Pure Lands until you’re prepped for the final confrontation of the game! Only two more episodes to go!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Intro and outro music by: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand

Sep 11, 2016

There's some vampire talk, Jim says lots of H names, Vanessa sings an amazing Quest Log song, and we finally have the gift of Flammie Flight! We head out to Turtle Island, then hit up the Lofty Mountains, we visit the Galt's Gulch that is Turtle Island. We find out some mind-blowing secrets about the prehistory of the world of Mana, the frustration of palette-swapped enemies, George Lucas discovers Jehk, we find a golden city, do some fetch quests, and then hit up the rip in space and time where John sees... well... John drinks too much coffee, has a Jesse Spano freakout, takes bad notes, goes all Georgia O'Keefe, and it's terrible and possibly ruins the podcast. Forever? Find out!

Next time on Square Roots: We'll play from after the Moon Palace through until the end of the ancient subway!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Intro and outro music by: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand
Luna Pattern: http://www.redbubble.com/people/techranova/works/15241556-luna-secret-of-mana-seiken-densetsu?p=scarf

Sep 4, 2016

We get shot out of a cannon into the heart of the Empire, where we get our sneaky spying on, go through an absurdly spacious sewer, get totally Lando'd, and get our revenge of the Mech Rider! Other topics covered include John's Juggalo intervention, the surprisingly nice Empire, crazy hoarder Mara's mysterious box, our Matthew gets broken, the disappointing Tiger Bikini, child luring, the Phanna disaster, Dyluck's Pity Power, the Squaresoft Laugh, the most adorable vampire, Emperor Nietzche, John's Amazing Three's Company Joke, and so much more. Come! Join us!

Next time on Square Roots: we'll play through until the end of the Moon Palace.

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com

Theme music by https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand

Aug 28, 2016

We head out to the land of jerk wolves and cute Walrus people, teenage John groans at meeting Rudolph the Red Nosed Raendeer, crash a real-estate resort scheme, that one episode where GI Joe was a bunch of jerks to Cobra, the Mana team as a anarchist-communist instrument of change, John's girl problem, getting assaulted by three Denvers the Sex Vore Dinosaurs, many crickets, 16-bit ho-ho-ho's, is the Secret of Mana the origin of Mrs. Claus? What empowered older woman could possibly be his mate? We also head back to Kakkara, go through the most frustrating palace so far, get chucked around by a beefazoid minotaur, and then have to move on... but to where?

Next week: We play until the end of the Emperor's Palace!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme music by: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand

Aug 26, 2016

This week we tackle a much-maligned JRPG from 1990: Super Hydlide. Is it as terrible as its reputation suggests? Johnny and Jim are joined by Caleb to see just how many times villagers can force us to starve to death, find out that our wallet is just too damn heavy, get stuck behind some friendly slimes at the self-checkout, starve to death some more, be too stupid to read the engravings on a tombstone, and ride on some of the most jarring difficulty curves in a game ever. Is T&E / Seismic's game a lost masterpiece? A bleeping piece of bleep? Is the music as rad as John remembers? Find out as we take this Genesis cart through the wringer and see if it can withstand the white-hot intensity of our judgment.

But really though.

That music is rad.

If you'd like to play along at home, and be forewarned, this game isn't intuitive, we play from the start through until the end of the Tower of Habel.

Our incredible Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Our Twitter: @squarerootspod
Our Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 23, 2016

Hello again! This is a fun little one off bloopers/cutting room floor episode of material i cut out of episode 21. It's mostly suicide squad talk and gross jokes. Suicide Squad spoilers abound!!! 

Let us know if you'd like to see more of these going forward, there is always plenty of stuff that gets cut from the final mix! 

Aug 21, 2016

This week on Square Roots we can't agree on Shovel Knight, Suicide Squad, Hamilton, or pretty much anything. We discuss getting seeded, grinding Secret of Mana the iOS / SNES Gontma translation error, a new idea of the true Secret of Mana, the comfort of straw beds, a few more zorbs, nonsensical rating systems, Girl versus the Patriarchy, and far, far, far too many cat puns.

We play from the Sprite Village in the Upper Lands through the Fungi villlage of Matango until we land in the village of Kakkara. Next week: The Ice Country through until the beefy minotaur at the end of the Fire Temple!

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
Theme Music By: https://www.youtube.com/user/TetriminoVGBand

Sunnie's awesome Neko portrait: http://super-mario-rpg.tumblr.com/

Aug 19, 2016

It's that time again (for the first time)! Our August mailbag episode is here with special guest Julian Titus of the Nerds Without Pants podcast! 

Listen to Matt, Jim, Vanessa and Julian answer all your questions! Or try to answer them at least! 

Find Julian on twitter @julian_titus and the Nerds Without Pants podcast @NWPCast, episodes on iTunes and everywhere else! 

Thanks for listening! Kisses! Bieeeeeeeeee!

Intro/Outro theme: 

Holder & Ephixa - Victory Fanfare (Final Fantasy VII Remix)
http://soundcloud.com/Ephixa
http://soundcloud.com/MajorLeagueWobs
https://youtu.be/ywlZBMWvYNU


Aug 14, 2016

We learn the true secret of the manaboys in today's all new episode of Square Roots! We cannon travel to the northern lands where the seasons constantly change and fight all manner of critters. The Moogle village revealed, Spirte's memory loss scam, Luca's evil scheme, Watt's the roadie, Jema the Dude and Spring Beak! We also hear a terrible joke from John, Jim HATES the word Manaboy and we get a little political at the top but not really! All of that and more on today's SQUARE ROOTS!

Next time: we'll be playing through the remainder of the Upper Lands, through Matango, rescuing a dragon, and getting kidnapped in Kakkara! 

Opening and Closing Music by: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9Qc5eUj_rkUECdxPAZcFTg

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

BIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

Aug 12, 2016

Stan from the They See Me Rolling returns to guide Matthew, Jim, and Vanessa through the exciting conclusion of the two-part Final Fantasy themed Fate game!  Guided by Celes, the mash-em-up team of Zidane, Cid, and Lulu set out to track down their vanished friend, Sephiroth.  Faced with the most horrifying gathering on Midgar, will our heroes be able to reach Sephiroth before it’s too late?  Will they discover who is behind his devious abduction?  Will they learn the difference between a hatchet and a cleaver?  Will Zidane finally push Lulu too far?  Will Jim be too drunk to continue?  Find out these answers and more on Part 2 of Final Fantasy Fates!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

 

Aug 7, 2016

We put Horny Grandma and Macho Man Jimmy Savage to bed, possibly together and then push on through Luka's special cave surprise! We get totally destroyed by Denver the Last Dinosaur, who isn't your friend and is into vore, Jimmy experiences N-U-I, Boy's lack of magic gifts, Sprite's villainity, Gaia's Navel's music versus hangovers, Gnome's use of the third person, Girl's slight Dyluck obsession, Floating Tomato Zombie Men, Thanatos's evil skull head, and finally John's Hot Facts!

Next time: we'll beat up a killer robot, mash some Sonics, and then destroy the Spring Beak in the Sprite Village!

Opening and Closing Music by: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9Qc5eUj_rkUECdxPAZcFTg

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

ENJOYYYYYYYYYYYY

Aug 4, 2016

Stan from They See Me Rolling joins Matthew, Jim and Vanessa in this special two-part role playing spectacular! In this roleplaying mash-em-up they play the pen and paper RPG Fate as their favorite Final Fantasy characters: Matthew as Zidane from Final Fantasy 9, Jim as Cid Highwind from Final Fantasy 7, and Vanessa tackles Lulu from Final Fantasy 10! This disparate gang is brought together by the mysterious Celes to kill Kefka so they can return to their home worlds. Important notes from the quest log include: the origin of the Bio attack, Celes's weird chocobo, their new pal Bro Sephiroth, and all the action, adventure and mystery you'd expect from a very special Final Fantasy Adventure! (Note: not actually Final Fantasy Adventure, the GB title.)

Stay tuned next week for Part 2!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Jul 31, 2016

We start off with far too much Sexy Grandma, the Boy gets some optional aid to get out of some.... hot water! Huh? Yeah. Girl gets her rescue on, the notorious price gouger Neko, some classic Final Fantasy dwarves, Vanessa's favorite character lets a child drown, your new pal the Sprite totally cons you, Pineapple Rayman, we get moogled, theories of Dyluck and Girl's relationship, Elinee's possible secret identity, and murdering exotic animals for fun times.

Next time: we will finally get our third party member, some magic, and beat up both the Fire Gigas and the cult temple's wall!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Today's cover art: http://robscorner.tumblr.com/

Jul 28, 2016

We attempt our first in a... well, possible series of looking at terrible RPGs with the baffling, barely translated, Super Ninja Boy. This early SNES JRPG takes some great ideas and combines them with inscrutible translation, laggy controls, and the highest random encounter ratio of any game we've ever played. We're joined from the Comrade Radio Boss Malcolm Nygard for this exercise in self-harm. I hope you like it!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Jul 24, 2016

Yay! It's finally time to uncover the Secret of Mana! Secrets we learn today: John's latent sexism, Vanessa's operating thetan levels, chubby haired kids, John accidentally creates a new sexy Grandma character, the anatomy of the rabites, Jema's tough love teaching techniques, Vanessa's crush on Dyluck, why there are a few issues with the goblins, and so, so much more!

Next time: we will play through until the notorious tiger boss in Elinee's Palace.

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com

Theme music by the Tetriminos, this week's cover art from: http://kamon6280.deviantart.com/

Jul 17, 2016

Did Vivi die? Is Kuja also dead, or running a school for Effeminate Boys? Is Quina Shrek? What was the deal with the crystals that Kuja was stealing? What the heck happened with Necron? Do all kids pretty much look alike? So many questions. And so many answers, with Rob and Vanessa (AKA Nessa, AKA Ness, AKA Nuh) on board to help sort us out.

 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
E
mail: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com

Awesome theme tune from Husky By the Geek!

Amazing cover art by @rotmouth!

Jul 10, 2016

Holy crap! Final Fantasy IX is over! It's so over! Was mixing the Zidanians and the Black Mages a bad idea or a terrible idea? Chekov's colored swimming pool; Garnet's real name; the right of a well-regulated Quina militia; Ghost Space Dad; Carl Death Sr.; OUR FIRST DRAMATIC RECREATION AT THE CELLPHONE HOSPITAL; tempers flare as we try to make sense of what Kuja did; we try to figure out Fart Scarecrow years; and so much more!

Next week: there's gonna be a mailbag, we dissect story elements with Rob Schubert, and announce the next game!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com

Also used this week: Husky By The Geek's Cover of You're Not Alone.

Jul 3, 2016

Jim, Matthew and John grumble about the character pairing at the shrines in Disc 4 and wonder why you can’t just play the actual battles. They also spend a weird amount of time discussing whether or not Zidane’s junk has been visible the entire game, Garnet’s moon color, George Lucas impressions, Zidane being a jerk to everyone, Bronies, throwing a tent at bosses and how Tantalus makes no sense.

This episode we make our way to Bran Bal and work through Pandemonium! Next time we finish the game! For real this time!

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com

Twitter: @squarerootspod

Facebook: www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Read more at http://squareroots.libsyn.com/

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