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Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through another chunk of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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THE Classic RPG Podcast, w/Jim Banks, John Brandon, Matthew Van Zandt & Vanessa

Jun 14, 2021

We start getting into the tear-filled meat of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey in this emotional rollercoaster of a chunker. In this episode: the longest funeral in a game ever; two actually non-annoying children; and the further adventures of Prince Glitter Pony!


Also:
- That One Episode of GI Joe Where Everyone Dissolves Into Mud Puppets
- Jansen's Problematic Techniques
- Wells for Boys Energy
- Bob Sagetting the Kids
- Jamiroquai Glasses Improving Cutscenes

This Week: Kaim defeats the tentacle monster Obsidian!
Next Week: Kaim rescues the old sorceress!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jun 7, 2021

Rid of the curse of Kingdom Hearts for now the gang stumble onto Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey - a cult classic JRPG that flew under the radar back in 2008 in spite of an expensive ad campaign. Is it Sakaguchi's comeback? Or annoying and full of pointless stories? We're all pretty split on this one so far!
Also:
- International Cheese Day
- A Leaky Staff
- Her Chest Lacked the Swellings of a Grown Woman
- Big Sidekick Energy
- Prince Sparkle Pony
- #FriendsReunion
This Week: Kaim goes to jail after defeating a big ol' wormy boy in Lost Odyssey!

Next Week: Kaim defeats the tentacle monster Obsidian!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

May 31, 2021

The gang has mixed feelings over the ending of Kingdom Hearts 2 and are left with a lot of questions, like:

- Did any of this make sense?
- Why did Johnny yell at Matthew?
- Does what happened to Riku make more sense than the Marvel movies?
- Should you be pressing the Y / triangle button more? Or the X / Square? Or not?
- How do you pronounce Saix?
- And of course, the long requested: would you eat this summon?


This Week: We finish Kingdom Hearts 2, Thank God
Next Week: Kaim goes to jail after defeating a big ol' wormy boy in Lost Odyssey
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

May 24, 2021

Things get a little off the rails at the start of this Square Roots when an ice cream truck constantly drives past Johnny's window, causing him to lose all focus. But! We go back to your favorite Disney lands for another dose of direct to VHS sequel adventures, as well as...

- Matt Learns the Word Cheugy
- Peter Pan is Actually Pretty Cool
- Reading things "Burger Time"
- Crackers in the Bath Tub
- Vanessa Finds Out About Other Vanessa
- Sorry Mommy!


This Week: Agrabah 2, Port Royal 2, Halloweentown 2, Pride Lands 2
Next Week: We finish Kingdom Hearts 2, Thank God

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

May 21, 2021

Coming hot off the heels of one of our Scare Roots Livestreams, Vanessa and Jim sit down with the star of Phantasmagoria 2 - Paul Morgan Stetler! We discuss his new YouTube project Conversations with Curtis centered around the game, why the game may be finding a new life with today's gamers and get some insider details into what it was like to bring the game to life.

Check out Conversations with Curtis at https://www.youtube.com/c/conversationswithcurtis

Conversations With Curtis Patreon https://www.patreon.com/conversationswithcurtis 

May 17, 2021

The whole Square Roots is out of sorts this week as they are obsessed with chilli dogs, and not really that interested in Sora revisiting the Disney worlds again. But that doesn't mean there's not a lot to talk about, like:

- "I Love That You Love It"
- Evil Uncle Scratch
- Fitness Deez Lutz
- She Wants That Knot
- Not Gas-X
- Auron Action Figure


This Week: Land of Dragons 2, Beast's Castle 2, Olympus 2
Next Week: Agrabah 2, Port Royal 2, Halloweentown 2, Pride Lands 2


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

May 10, 2021

Somehow although we only visited a handful of worlds this chunker became chockablock with crazy nonsense, including:

- Lion Hamlet
- Vanessa Gets Visited By A Socially Conservative Owl
- Congratulations Things
- Roxas's friends: Hey There, Paunch and Oolug
- Getting Norted
- Do You Like Imagine Dragons?
- Naminé-tions
- Can Sora Read?
- Cyber Bikes
- "Got it memorized?"
- Goofy's Death
- JRPG Tommy Lee


This Week: Pride Lands, Twilight Town Revisited, Space Paranoids & Hollow Bastion Battle
Next Week:  Land of Dragons 2, Beast's Castle 2, Olympus 2

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

May 3, 2021

This time Kingdom Hearts 2 really swings for the bleachers with nothin' but hits, from Aladdin to Little Mermaids and Pirates of the Carribbean! It's tough to reach a consensus on all this finny fun, but there's plenty to enjoy such as:
- Gilbert Gottfried's newest sponsors
- Aladdin's Whole Other Family
- Vanessa's shocking Pirates confession
- A phone call to Magical Disney Locker Supply
- Way too much singing
This Week: Atlantica, Port Royal, Halloween Town, Agrabah
Next Week: Pride Lands, Hollow Bastion Battle & Space Paranoids, Land of Dragons Part 2
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

Apr 26, 2021

Oh hey! Welcome to our continuing journey through Squaresoft and Disney's Kingdom Hearts 2! There's plenty of Disney nostalgia in this episode, as well as Nomura nonsense, random Organization XIII characters and also:
- Disneyfied Auron
- Old Castles Aren't Fun
- Daisy's good Ending
- I believe in BooBerry
- A Little Pete Chat


This Week: Olympus, 100 Acre Wood, Disney Castle and Timeless River
Next Week: Atlantica, Port Royal, Halloween Town, Agrabah

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

Apr 19, 2021

We get through our first two Disney worlds and yet this episode is surprisingly light on Disney songs. On this chunker of Squaresoft's Kingdom Hearts 2 we get Sora a couple of rad keyblades and also:
- Jim explains how drives work
- Vanessa wants to learn all the official Disney nipples
- Everyone loves Doug Airholes
- Jim's first good theory in the history of the podcast
- A very horny wardrobe
- Vanessa's new bit: you have two bears inside you

This Week: Hollow Bastion, Land of Dragons, and Beast's Castle
Next Week: Olympus, 100 Acre Wood, Disney Castle and Timeless River

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

Apr 12, 2021

Oh yes. We have embarked on an adventure. We're going to the Kingdom.... of Hearts! Two! This Patreon vote winner has brought a multitude of responses from each host. On this episode:
- Matt's fancy son wonders why the chairs in Organization XIII are so high
- Jim gets frustrated when we don't let him tell us what's happening
- Johnny gets confused on whether this is a Matrix or a Truman Show or a Dark City
- We reveal the true origins of Count Dooku
- Are you ready for Conservative Comedian Goofy?
- Vanessa's new bit: her Donald Duck impression!


This Week: We get Sora's new outfit!
Next Week: Hollow Bastion, Land of Dragons, and Beast's Castle

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

Apr 5, 2021

Gird up your Mommy Milkers and Daddy Doinkers because it's time for some of us to finish Final Fantasy 8! This episode has everything you've ever wanted in a finalé episode, including:
- More GF ranking!
- Shumi Hand Talk!
- Only Vanessa understanding the ending!
- Junctionning yourself onto... SlutZone!
- Maybe the best Final Fantasy last dungeon ever?


This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We do some nonsense in Yensid's tower in KH2, don't ask me

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast


Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Apr 4, 2021
We sit down with Writer/Director Billy Ray (Captain Phillips, The Comey Rule, The Hunger Games), to discuss his film Shattered Glass, ethics in journalism, and his upcoming series on the January 6th attacks on the US Capitol.
 
VIDYA GAMEZ

Check out Billy Ray's wiki here: 
 
Tweet at Billy Ray: @BillyRay5229
 
Watch Shattered Glass free on Youtube here: 
 

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

 
 
Mar 29, 2021

Holy heck! Square Roots is FIVE whole years old! We debate whether half a decade is a long time as well as other hot topics like:
- Vanessa doesn't want to be in a certain Posse
- The Crisp Bowl Spire
- Rinoa's little flux problem, a blurby wurble thing
- Lunatic Pandora, Matt's Favourite Papa Roach Album
- Final Fantasy's Longest Running Will They / Won't They


This Week: We finish Disc 3!
Next Week: We finish the game!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mar 22, 2021

Okay, this is an incredible episode.
Why? Because of the following talking points:


- A Kramer Versus Kramer Scenario
- A Difficult Cidtuation
- Ruby Dragon: A XXX Porn Parody
- Terrible Sephiroth
- Would You Put Your Penix in the Phoenix?

This Week: We reach the Lunar Gate as Squall!
Next Week: We finish Disc 3!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mar 15, 2021

YEAH! We're only on Disc 2 and yet it's already Disc 3 crazy. This episode: we discuss Mortal Monday and the declaration of release dates; the world's most obvious Alan Tudyk pun; we list out the greatest sax hits for Irvine to play; Quistis mimes the flute; Squall makes PA announcements about hotdogs and his feelings; we meet the Garden Babies and SO MUCH MORE.
This Week: We finish Disc 2!


Next Week: We reach the Lunar Gate as Squall
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!

Twitter: @squarerootspod

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mar 8, 2021

We all have a game
That we hide away forever
Then we take it out and play ourselves
When everything is wrong
Some are Seifer some are Squall
Some are Selphie and some are Quistis
They're the cast of this chunker
But we love to play them all!
Well, we all get impaled
But we disregard the danger
When you try to assassinate the sorceress
Sometimes you go to jail
Why were you so surprised
That you didn't kill the Squallster
Did you really think the game would end
When we're on disc number 2?


This Week: We reach Fisherman's Horizon!
Next Week: We finish Disc 2!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mar 1, 2021

Vanessa gets lost in her role as the Sorceress Edea in this jam-packed episode of Square Roots. Not only do we discuss all sorts of kinds of tap dances, we also look at Rinoa's comfortable sweater, get involved in another caper, meet some big beefy bull boys, realize Irvine looks like a male stripper-slash-magician, and cast a 1990s dream version of Final Fantasy 8 for which we are cancelled.
This Week: We finish Disc 1!
Next Week: We reach Fisherman's Horizon!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Feb 22, 2021

Have the tables turned on Final Fantasy 8? Is everyone loving it all of a sudden? What the hell? One word: TRAINS. On this episode of Square Roots: we visit the hot dog room, Vanessa wants feathery soft chocobo cuddles and fluffly flappy moogle cuddles, Laguna Loire is the first real protagonist of the game, Johnny breaks the game, a three-person locker is ordered, and Jim body shames Muncher.


This Week: We get to Galbadia Garden!
Next Week: We finish Disc 1!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Feb 15, 2021

Oh boy. The JRPG you either love, hate, or have another opinion on - Square's Final Fantasy VIII. Topics covered today: L'il Baby I Don't know; this game is about reading in a serious way; identifying a real Lisa Kudrow; thicc, thicc Quistis; cargo jorts; sometimes Squall has a 4K face; and Vanessa's greatest mashup ever: Truly, Madly, Crazy.


This Week: We save Rinoa (??) after she meets the best looking guy at the dance!
Next Week: We get to Galbadia Garden!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Feb 8, 2021

Mass Effect 2 COMPLETE. How many hosts crossed the finish line? Did everyone side with the Alliance or The Illustrated Man? Why were the Reapers building a Baby Terminator? What's up with all the useful people being loaded onto the Magic School Bus? Did Johnny get to romance Morinth? Who lived and who died on the suicide mission? So many questions!


This Week: We finish Mass Effect 2!
Next Week: We save Rinoa after she meets the best looking guy at the dance!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:
Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987
Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ
And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Feb 1, 2021

You'll be glad you came to listen to this episode of our Mass Effect 2 playthrough, because it's got it all: Vanessa questioning whether Johnny knows what a nipple is, Luke's classic line "No you weren't, Obi-Wan!", classic dumb robot logic, a doctor definitely not being controlled by this lovely, beautiful artifact, and Vanessa reveals that Batarians are technically people, but, you know. Also, don't forget: pew pew pew, launch launch launch, float float float, it's Mass Effect.


This Week: We play the DLC!
Next Week: We finish Mass Effect 2!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:

Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987

Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ

And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Jan 25, 2021

On this week's episode of Square Roots, we clear up all the Loyalty Missions in Mass Effect 2, as well as so many other shocking revelations including: Elcor stepmom fan fiction, Wesident Evil 8 Vampire Lady, Morinth and her love for Matchbox 20, Johnny's apparent love for Boondock Saints and Garrus trying to frame Shepherd for his crimes.


This Week: We finish recruiting Space Friends!
Next Week: We do all the Loyalty Missions!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:
Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987
Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ
And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Jan 18, 2021

Finally, we get the whole team together in this action-packed chunker of Mass Effect! This week: tum-tums are punched and shot, we lean into our kids show host natures, Vanessa wants to Shape of Water Thane, people get sucked down the Illusive Man Space YouTube hole, Biotic Space God Niftu Cal, recruiting Timothy Olyphant and Snooki to help finish the fight, IRL Samara, Tattooed Teenage Fighters from Beverly Hills, ASMR Harbinger, and everyone's favorite Vader lines.
This Week: We finish recruiting Space Friends!
Next Week: We do all the Loyalty Missions!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:
Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987
Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ
And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Jan 11, 2021

We're now getting deep into Mass Effect 2! On this episode we recruit the prisoner, meet up with Doctor Okurrrrrrrr, and save the Horizon Zero Dawn colony. Also this week: we compare the abilities of Cutscene Jack versus Game Jack, question just what symbols are on the side of the new Cerebus Normandy, Vanessa tries her hand at slash fiction, and so much more!


This Week: We rescue the Horizon colony!
Next Week: We finish recruiting Space Friends!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:

Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987

Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ

And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

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