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Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through another chunk of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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Now displaying: September, 2025

THE Classic RPG Podcast, w/Jim Banks, John Brandon, Matthew Van Zandt & Vanessa

Sep 29, 2025

Final Fantasy V Part 2: "I've Got the Boom Boom, Pow: Boom Boom in Mario and Representations of Anti-Capitalist Sentiment"
Square Roots - Episode 483

Quest Log: 0:24:29
Level Up: 1:39:00

We get to ditch Cid and his subpar grandson and go to an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT planet. What's this planet called? Who knows. What was the other one called? Gaia? I think? Let's just call the new one Planet Galuf, and we don't exactly get a friendly greeting. But we meet some chocobos, set some trees on fire, and destroy the world's sacred crystals, like real heroes do.

Also:
* More Hot Gaming Goose
* STAN SMASH
* Bees Are My Mom Now
* Silent Hilf
* Vanessa's Weird Alex Mack Crush
* The Last of the Wind Dragons, by Vanessa

This Week: Watch the forest get burned!
Next Week: uhhhhhhhhhh matt says finish the game but just play around six hours


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Sep 22, 2025

Final Fantasy V Part 2: MID
Square Roots - Episode 482

Quest Log: 0:37:15
Level Up: 1:39:00

Oh boy, this time on Final Fantasy V things are getting moving! We fail to save the crystals, some jerk is released, and we take a break to go to the library. IT'S ALL FOR FREE!

Also:
* HONK 
* Reasonable Randy Pitchford Quotes
* More like teddy oh yes
* ExDeez Nuts
* Bananas aren't Banana
* Future Matt and Future Vanessa

 

This Week: Play until we are blasted away by a force field!
Next Week: Finish things on the new planet! Unless it's too long. Then maybe something shorter.


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Sep 15, 2025

Final Fantasy V Part 1: It's Not Gooning If You Don't Make The Face
Square Roots - Episode 481

Quest Log: 0:10:47
Level Up: 1:57:30

Look, we've got a Final Fantasy game with two cool dragons right upfront. Okay, technically, one is a sea serpent and one is a wyvern, but still. Does FFV blow its cool load early? In this chunker of Square's classic JRPG we explore its new, better translation, try to come to terms with its job system, and come across a king stuck halfway into a crystal room.

Also:
* Untamed Honours
* You Should Get Hired By Silent Hills, Inc.
* Baby Four Eyes
* I Love A Very Clean Man In A Waistcoat
* A Reverse Rookie of the Year
* That Man Needs To Be Taken To A Hospital

 

This Week: Defeat the Liquid Flame in the Fire Powered Ship in Final Fantasy V!
Next Week: Play until we are blasted away by a force field!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Sep 8, 2025

Heavy Rain: Part 4 - Even His Heavy Breathing Is French
Square Roots - Episode 480

Quest Log: 0:23:18
Level Up: 2:24:57

We've solved the mystery of Heavy Rain, and for the most part we're pretty annoyed about it. But now's your chance to play through these final chapters of Heavy Rain, maybe trick an old lady into telling you about her sons, burn all the evidence, and check out the wrong address and fail to save your son. And they gave you all the clues!

Also:
* Call Me Shaun
* On A Scale Of One To Spicy
* Motel Floor Sex
* The Stanley Kubrick Room
* A Plethora of Endings


This Week: Finish Heavy Rain!
Next Week: Defeat the Liquid Flame in the Fire Powered Ship in Final Fantasy V!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Sep 1, 2025

Heavy Rain: Part 3 - Left Trigger Inner Monologue About Ball Crushing
Square Roots - Episode 479

Quest Log: 0:19:10
Level Up: 2:11:00

It's Final Fantasy Heavy Rain Time. It's what Strangers in Paradise is like. It's also a prequel to Final Fantasy X. The Origami Killer is secretly Sin. And this time you can seduce Louis CK! And dance sexy for him! 

Also:
* Sexy Alias Adventures
* Not Every Person Needs To Be A Serial Killer
* Swallow Night: Milf Thong
* Jimmy Carr Would Be A Ventrue
* A Muppet Version of Expedition 33
* If Ethan Was Good At Close-Up Magic, None Of This Would Have Happened


This Week: Finish Chapter 39 / Fish Tank With Norman Jayden
Next Week: Finish Heavy Rain!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

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