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Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through another chunk of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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Now displaying: Page 6

THE Classic RPG Podcast, w/Jim Banks, John Brandon, Matthew Van Zandt & Vanessa

Nov 8, 2021

Things happen this episode. Vast political movements. Intriegue. Subterfuge. Swapped letters. And we have a tenuous grasp of all of it as Tales of Vesperia's plot starts to really get going. I mean, we're still not even sure how to pronounce "Ragou".
Also this week:
- Dump Cake
- Vanessa's Shocking Level Up
- Too Many Sephiroths
- Johnny is Distracted By A Broad Chest
- No One Wants To Hold Out For A Heroic Mail Delivery

This Week: Yuri flies away!?
Next Week: We get to the desert?!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Nov 1, 2021

Let's just get this out of the way: we can't sing Yakety Sax. No matter who tries, we're just terrible at it. I'm not sure why this is an important part of this episode of Square Roots or what it has to do with Namco's Tales of Vesperia, but that's just the way it is.
Also this week:
- Inn-teresting
- Talkin' About Blastia
- The automaton's giant stone wiener
- A sudden Matthew appearance
- That's Cumore!
- More Hot Gaming News
- Gene "Wonderchef" Parmesan

This Week: Our boat sinks!?
Next Week: Yuri flies away!?
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Oct 25, 2021

It's Halloween down at the Square Roots house, so we're playing the spooooooky classic JRPG, or Jerpig, Namco's Tales of Vesperia! It's like a cozy comfy blanket of JRPG comfort food, and we enjoy it. So when we're not debating Yuri's hair colour, we guide the party from a splurging fountain to a magical tree town that does NOT explode.


Also this week:
- Catchphrases
- The Great Pumpkin Deposition
- Less Than Jokes
- The Cosmic Horror of Baby Fresh Eyes
- Matthew Makes Us Feel Bad
- The Hottest Gaming News

This Week: We save the tree in Halure!
Next Week: Our boat sinks!?

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

Contact Square Roots!

Twitter: @squarerootspod

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Oct 18, 2021

This week on Square Roots we blaze through the ending of the main questline like a dragon spewing fire! So much blazing! We defeat Alduin, and then things are... happy? Maybe? Also Grunk, Rimjob and Presto get Animal House end title cards. What would Gojira's end title card be? Consumed by Alduin?
Also this week:
- What Happens When We Don't Heckle Jim
- A Spooky Fair
- Click Click Blam
- Guest Host Ira Glass
- Spicy Tuna Cakes
- Making a Bad Dragon Mould
- Drauger Karens
- Hakon Sprinklerhead

This Week: We finish Skyrim!
Next Week: We save the tree in Halure in Tales of Vesperia!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Oct 11, 2021

Oh shit! Square Roots has a beach episode! But, sadly, it's the kind of beach episode where all your favourites go on vacation! That's right: you got RimJob becoming a werewolf, Presto Kazaam meets up with her past self, and Johnny becomes a real Prince of Thieves.


Also this week:
- Delita is a Fvckboy
- Regretting Just Playing Dragonball
- Vanessa Murders Her First Wife
- "He IS the Daedric Prince of Madness!"
- Or is he the Daedric Prince of Great Prices?
- Sexy Robot Kazoo Whistles

This Week: Our Skyrim characters go on a holiday from the main quest!
Next Week: We finish Skyrim!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Oct 4, 2021

We're gonna be honest here: this is either going to be a really long chunker for you or a really short chunker depending on whether or not you choose a side or choose that delicious, delicious third option. But you wouldn't skip all these questlines that Bethesda worked so hard on, would you?
Also this week:
- Muscle Garfield
- Alduin, World Tooter
- Vanessa's Letter to Bethesda
- Why Boys Not Hot?
- We Are All Master Negotiators

This Week: We either pick a side or negotiate a truce in Season Unending!
Next Week: Our Skyrim characters go on a holiday from the main quest!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Sep 27, 2021

Oh boy! It's time for further adventures of mural exposition, with Joan Allen calling Max Von Sidow a big nerd for caring about second age tryptarchs. On this chunker of Bethesda's Skyrim we need to get our hands on one of those fancy Elder Scrolls. But how?! By talking to a sexy Orc librarian, heading down to a magical mushroom kingdom, solving a spinny puzzle, and so much more!
Also this week:
- Who wins in a fight, the Eternals versus the Inhumans?
- Conjure Flame Astronaut
- It's Your Inn Now
- Dwarf Ruins CD burning
- Mixing Up Forsworn and Falmers

This Week: We complete Elder Knowledge!
Next Week: We either pick a side or negotiate a truce in Season Unending!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Sep 21, 2021

Hello! We are having a vote!

On our Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Our choices:

Vanessa - Deus Ex: Human Revolution (2011)

Jim - Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch (2011)

Johnny - Alpha Protocol (2010)

Matthew - Tales of Vesperia (2008)

So join our $5 tier and vote! YEAH!

 

 

Sep 20, 2021

Oh boy! We're deep into the legend of the Dovahkiin in this week's chunk of Bethesda's super beloved Skyrim! On this chunker we impress Daphne / Delphine, learn to shout, and meet a couple of dragons. It's great! Also:

- Don't Think About Frasier!
- Mind bending 1990s music videos!
- It's like a blanket party but they're yelling at you!
- Let Me Be Frank: Redux
- Jack... Kirby?'s... Inhumans!
- In Sweden he's just called the Chef!
- Facbook Made Me Say That
- What If Vanessa Goes To the Magic Castle
- Johnny's Great First Date Ideas

This Week: We finish the Blades quest Diplomatic Immunity!
Next Week: We complete Elder Knowledge!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast


Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Sep 13, 2021

Since we're tackling a very non-linear open world RPG with Bethesda's Skyrim, this time we're doing things a little differently: after a main quest runthrough we each describe the adventures of our own very special characters. It's a surprisingly bug-free playthrough as we pull up in our cart to Helgen, where our executions await! Also:


- The Jerky Boys Musical
- The Vore Seasons
- Presto Kazaam, Mind Freak
- Godzilla's Bound Sword
- The Friendzies Spell
- Mads Mikkelson Cheekbones
- Jerpigs
- A Song For Straight Men

This Week: We fight our first dragon outside of Whiterun!
Next Week: We finish the Blades quest Diplomatic Immunity!

Sep 6, 2021

Teleport is a kind of go. Drive is a kind of go. Imagine? Also a kind of go! How many kinds of go can you name? In this climactic conclusion to our Legend of Mana playthrough, our hero has to go through pretty much every dungeon in the game chasing our favorite li'l cactus. Also:
- A Secret Kawazu Game!
- The Most Popular Toy in the World
- A Bizarre Sin Stance Change
- Vanessa's Nuclear Mana Tree Theory
- Pelican Mouth Injuries

This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We fight our first dragon outside of Whiterun!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 30, 2021

We ask so many questions in this chunker of Square's Legend of Mana. Would Gilbert's lines work on a real woman? Can you cure amnesia with another concussion? Would a visual novel be better with real photos? Will the X-Files FMV game ever be re-released? Also:
- Deep Insight into Diddle
- Virtual Jerry Orbach
- Is BDG a centaur? Is Adam Driver a monster?
- Manhattan, Kansas Narrowcasting
- A game that makes more dick jokes than we do?
- Matt's Superman Style Story

This Week: The Wimpy Thugling
Next Week: We finish the game!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 23, 2021

Vanessa leaves early so you night what that means: BOYS NIGHT. We're getting into the back half of Legend of Mana, and starting to wrap up some plotlines. Aren't you curious about Matilda and Irwin? Valerie and David? Also:
- Johnny and the Horrible Nightmare Beach
- What does Ayn Rand have to do with it?
- THE BONE FORTRESS! YEEEEEAH!
- Tell Me More!
- What is Pig like?
- Next game announced!

This Week: Catchin' Lilipeas
Next Week: The Wimpy Thugling


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 16, 2021

Content Warning: Suicide

We're descending into the underworld and making some strange allies in this chunker of Squaresoft's 2000 cult classic Legend of Mana. Also:
- Vanessa's Magician Crush Origin Story
- "I Thought He Should"?
- Legs That Go Right Into His Feet
- Big Mouth Billy Bass
- Diddle's dark descent
- Stars Spin As They Fall When You're Trying To Catch Your Breath

This Week: We finish The Guardian of Wind!
Next Week: We finish Catchin' Lilipeas!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 9, 2021

We're really getting into Legend of Mana now as we make our way through this complicated but simple action RPG. A lot happens, we think? There's incredibly depressing junkyard toys, pinglings, a walrus man and... a turtle?! Also:
- Terrifying Nightmare Cactus
- Matt's hot Jojo take
- Johnny and Jim's Bunk Beds
- Dubba Baba Dud
- Trying to Politely Describe the Necklace Pearl Has

This Week: We finish the Murmuring Forest!
Next Week: We finish The Guardian of Wind!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme!
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 2, 2021

Alright, now we move on to a new game: Squaresoft's bonkers Legend of Mana! If you're expecting Secret of Mana 2, it's not that, it's more like... a complicated board game that doesn't tell you how to play it combined with fun side-scrolling brawler. On this episode:
- We get an exclusive 30 second celebrity interview!
- Placing a Mailbox: a complicated decision
- Johnny licks his foot
- Jim and Matt's Legend of Mana Punishment
- Diddle's Nightmarish Form
- Why the Square Roots House smells like smoked meats

This Week: We complete the event Path of the Blacksmith in Legend of Mana!
Next Week: We finish the Murmuring Forest!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme!
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jul 26, 2021

We found it! We found the Odyssey, and truly, the real lost odyssey was the friendships we made along the way. On this big ol' chonker episode of an episode we chop through most of the end game content, from Cooke getting proposed to by the Kelolon King to Prince Sparklepony learning the true value of bravery. But that's not all!
- Vanessa tries to trick Jim into dressing like a magician
- Yellow is wind? Or should it be brown? Or should it be Bronwyn?
- Gongora's Celebrity Roast
- Johnny's secret Christian musical theatre past
- Towers of Annoy
- Mister Potato Head Made Fun of Me
- You may hear hints about what the next next game is

This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We complete the event Path of the Blacksmith in Legend of Mana!

 

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jul 19, 2021

We all head to the garage to become certified stoneologists like Jansen in this penultimate episode of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey! There's a lot of content in this chunker as we start exploring bonus areas, do a Final Fantasy VI style minigame, and fight our... Personas? Topics covered include:
- What Gongora's Deal is
- Is Ming the real villain of the game?
- Wine Time!
- Matt's Stand Up Shower
- Gongora's Grace Jones Outfit
- Kirk Cameron's Fireproof

This Week: We prepare to head to Grand Staff!
Next Week: We finish the game!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jul 12, 2021

Jim is lost in a flower mound this week but the rest of the podcast crew is here! We're finishing Disc 3 of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey, and it's some real Final Fantasy VI style split path fun times! We've got the children Cooke & Mack freezing to death, Seth bonding with the relectant King Tolten and reuniting with her 65 year old baby boy Sed, and Jansen and Ming starring in a 1990s love ballad music video.
Also:
- Do Not Let Your Easily Started Dog Listen to the Podcast
- Nap Queer
- Member Hit
- Toadmore, Frogmore, Stompingham
- Gongora Blood Guzzle
- GRAPPLE TANKS!
- MOMMA!

This Week: We finish Disc 3!
Next Week: We prepare to head to Grand Staff!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jul 5, 2021

We're barrelling through Disc 3 like a freight train into a glacier in this catastrophic episode of Square Roots. Running at almost 50% cutscenes this chunker features that kind of Disc 3 FMV destruction we all love!
Also:
- Michael Emmerson Fan Club
- Matt Talks About A Weird JRPG For Ten Minutes
- More on the Magic Hyphen Industrial Revolution
- Matt demands an explanation of Goatse
- A slanty castle!
- Giving Matt a Burn Notice
- Kaim's Poly Relationships
- Vanessa's Small TV

This Week: We return to Uhra (as Seth)!
Next Week: We finish Disc 3!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jun 28, 2021

We finish Disc 2 but still don't know for sure if Aneira is a dragon, or a bird man, or something, but we do know one thing: Gongora isn't interested in those HAMS.
Also:
- Vanessa Versus Sydnee McElroy
- Need for Speed: Hot for Soup
- Buying Items From a Crow
- Stories about shoes, deadly flowers, and sticking with your wife
- Hot Supernatural Gossip

This Week: We finish Disc 2!
Next Week: We return to Uhra!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jun 21, 2021

Disc 2 of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey has a lot going for it: there's Resident Evil mansions, bizarre magic abilities, a ton of Thousand Years of Dreams stories, a possible dragon, and of course underwear.

Also:


- Jansen's sketchiness gets to even Vanessa
- Fillibust In Me: The Many Songs of Marina
- A very beautiful lullaby that is also a tuneless dirge
- Vanessa the Sand Witch
- Johnny says Composite in a Canadian way
- Vanessa says Puma in a fascinating way

This Week: Kaim rescues the old sorceress!
Next Week: We finish Disc 2!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jun 14, 2021

We start getting into the tear-filled meat of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey in this emotional rollercoaster of a chunker. In this episode: the longest funeral in a game ever; two actually non-annoying children; and the further adventures of Prince Glitter Pony!


Also:
- That One Episode of GI Joe Where Everyone Dissolves Into Mud Puppets
- Jansen's Problematic Techniques
- Wells for Boys Energy
- Bob Sagetting the Kids
- Jamiroquai Glasses Improving Cutscenes

This Week: Kaim defeats the tentacle monster Obsidian!
Next Week: Kaim rescues the old sorceress!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jun 7, 2021

Rid of the curse of Kingdom Hearts for now the gang stumble onto Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey - a cult classic JRPG that flew under the radar back in 2008 in spite of an expensive ad campaign. Is it Sakaguchi's comeback? Or annoying and full of pointless stories? We're all pretty split on this one so far!
Also:
- International Cheese Day
- A Leaky Staff
- Her Chest Lacked the Swellings of a Grown Woman
- Big Sidekick Energy
- Prince Sparkle Pony
- #FriendsReunion
This Week: Kaim goes to jail after defeating a big ol' wormy boy in Lost Odyssey!

Next Week: Kaim defeats the tentacle monster Obsidian!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

May 31, 2021

The gang has mixed feelings over the ending of Kingdom Hearts 2 and are left with a lot of questions, like:

- Did any of this make sense?
- Why did Johnny yell at Matthew?
- Does what happened to Riku make more sense than the Marvel movies?
- Should you be pressing the Y / triangle button more? Or the X / Square? Or not?
- How do you pronounce Saix?
- And of course, the long requested: would you eat this summon?


This Week: We finish Kingdom Hearts 2, Thank God
Next Week: Kaim goes to jail after defeating a big ol' wormy boy in Lost Odyssey
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

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