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Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through another chunk of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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THE Classic RPG Podcast, w/Jim Banks, John Brandon, Matthew Van Zandt & Vanessa

Sep 13, 2021

Since we're tackling a very non-linear open world RPG with Bethesda's Skyrim, this time we're doing things a little differently: after a main quest runthrough we each describe the adventures of our own very special characters. It's a surprisingly bug-free playthrough as we pull up in our cart to Helgen, where our executions await! Also:


- The Jerky Boys Musical
- The Vore Seasons
- Presto Kazaam, Mind Freak
- Godzilla's Bound Sword
- The Friendzies Spell
- Mads Mikkelson Cheekbones
- Jerpigs
- A Song For Straight Men

This Week: We fight our first dragon outside of Whiterun!
Next Week: We finish the Blades quest Diplomatic Immunity!

Sep 6, 2021

Teleport is a kind of go. Drive is a kind of go. Imagine? Also a kind of go! How many kinds of go can you name? In this climactic conclusion to our Legend of Mana playthrough, our hero has to go through pretty much every dungeon in the game chasing our favorite li'l cactus. Also:
- A Secret Kawazu Game!
- The Most Popular Toy in the World
- A Bizarre Sin Stance Change
- Vanessa's Nuclear Mana Tree Theory
- Pelican Mouth Injuries

This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We fight our first dragon outside of Whiterun!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 30, 2021

We ask so many questions in this chunker of Square's Legend of Mana. Would Gilbert's lines work on a real woman? Can you cure amnesia with another concussion? Would a visual novel be better with real photos? Will the X-Files FMV game ever be re-released? Also:
- Deep Insight into Diddle
- Virtual Jerry Orbach
- Is BDG a centaur? Is Adam Driver a monster?
- Manhattan, Kansas Narrowcasting
- A game that makes more dick jokes than we do?
- Matt's Superman Style Story

This Week: The Wimpy Thugling
Next Week: We finish the game!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 23, 2021

Vanessa leaves early so you night what that means: BOYS NIGHT. We're getting into the back half of Legend of Mana, and starting to wrap up some plotlines. Aren't you curious about Matilda and Irwin? Valerie and David? Also:
- Johnny and the Horrible Nightmare Beach
- What does Ayn Rand have to do with it?
- THE BONE FORTRESS! YEEEEEAH!
- Tell Me More!
- What is Pig like?
- Next game announced!

This Week: Catchin' Lilipeas
Next Week: The Wimpy Thugling


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 16, 2021

Content Warning: Suicide

We're descending into the underworld and making some strange allies in this chunker of Squaresoft's 2000 cult classic Legend of Mana. Also:
- Vanessa's Magician Crush Origin Story
- "I Thought He Should"?
- Legs That Go Right Into His Feet
- Big Mouth Billy Bass
- Diddle's dark descent
- Stars Spin As They Fall When You're Trying To Catch Your Breath

This Week: We finish The Guardian of Wind!
Next Week: We finish Catchin' Lilipeas!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 9, 2021

We're really getting into Legend of Mana now as we make our way through this complicated but simple action RPG. A lot happens, we think? There's incredibly depressing junkyard toys, pinglings, a walrus man and... a turtle?! Also:
- Terrifying Nightmare Cactus
- Matt's hot Jojo take
- Johnny and Jim's Bunk Beds
- Dubba Baba Dud
- Trying to Politely Describe the Necklace Pearl Has

This Week: We finish the Murmuring Forest!
Next Week: We finish The Guardian of Wind!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme!
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 2, 2021

Alright, now we move on to a new game: Squaresoft's bonkers Legend of Mana! If you're expecting Secret of Mana 2, it's not that, it's more like... a complicated board game that doesn't tell you how to play it combined with fun side-scrolling brawler. On this episode:
- We get an exclusive 30 second celebrity interview!
- Placing a Mailbox: a complicated decision
- Johnny licks his foot
- Jim and Matt's Legend of Mana Punishment
- Diddle's Nightmarish Form
- Why the Square Roots House smells like smoked meats

This Week: We complete the event Path of the Blacksmith in Legend of Mana!
Next Week: We finish the Murmuring Forest!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme!
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jul 26, 2021

We found it! We found the Odyssey, and truly, the real lost odyssey was the friendships we made along the way. On this big ol' chonker episode of an episode we chop through most of the end game content, from Cooke getting proposed to by the Kelolon King to Prince Sparklepony learning the true value of bravery. But that's not all!
- Vanessa tries to trick Jim into dressing like a magician
- Yellow is wind? Or should it be brown? Or should it be Bronwyn?
- Gongora's Celebrity Roast
- Johnny's secret Christian musical theatre past
- Towers of Annoy
- Mister Potato Head Made Fun of Me
- You may hear hints about what the next next game is

This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We complete the event Path of the Blacksmith in Legend of Mana!

 

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jul 19, 2021

We all head to the garage to become certified stoneologists like Jansen in this penultimate episode of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey! There's a lot of content in this chunker as we start exploring bonus areas, do a Final Fantasy VI style minigame, and fight our... Personas? Topics covered include:
- What Gongora's Deal is
- Is Ming the real villain of the game?
- Wine Time!
- Matt's Stand Up Shower
- Gongora's Grace Jones Outfit
- Kirk Cameron's Fireproof

This Week: We prepare to head to Grand Staff!
Next Week: We finish the game!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jul 12, 2021

Jim is lost in a flower mound this week but the rest of the podcast crew is here! We're finishing Disc 3 of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey, and it's some real Final Fantasy VI style split path fun times! We've got the children Cooke & Mack freezing to death, Seth bonding with the relectant King Tolten and reuniting with her 65 year old baby boy Sed, and Jansen and Ming starring in a 1990s love ballad music video.
Also:
- Do Not Let Your Easily Started Dog Listen to the Podcast
- Nap Queer
- Member Hit
- Toadmore, Frogmore, Stompingham
- Gongora Blood Guzzle
- GRAPPLE TANKS!
- MOMMA!

This Week: We finish Disc 3!
Next Week: We prepare to head to Grand Staff!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jul 5, 2021

We're barrelling through Disc 3 like a freight train into a glacier in this catastrophic episode of Square Roots. Running at almost 50% cutscenes this chunker features that kind of Disc 3 FMV destruction we all love!
Also:
- Michael Emmerson Fan Club
- Matt Talks About A Weird JRPG For Ten Minutes
- More on the Magic Hyphen Industrial Revolution
- Matt demands an explanation of Goatse
- A slanty castle!
- Giving Matt a Burn Notice
- Kaim's Poly Relationships
- Vanessa's Small TV

This Week: We return to Uhra (as Seth)!
Next Week: We finish Disc 3!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jun 28, 2021

We finish Disc 2 but still don't know for sure if Aneira is a dragon, or a bird man, or something, but we do know one thing: Gongora isn't interested in those HAMS.
Also:
- Vanessa Versus Sydnee McElroy
- Need for Speed: Hot for Soup
- Buying Items From a Crow
- Stories about shoes, deadly flowers, and sticking with your wife
- Hot Supernatural Gossip

This Week: We finish Disc 2!
Next Week: We return to Uhra!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jun 21, 2021

Disc 2 of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey has a lot going for it: there's Resident Evil mansions, bizarre magic abilities, a ton of Thousand Years of Dreams stories, a possible dragon, and of course underwear.

Also:


- Jansen's sketchiness gets to even Vanessa
- Fillibust In Me: The Many Songs of Marina
- A very beautiful lullaby that is also a tuneless dirge
- Vanessa the Sand Witch
- Johnny says Composite in a Canadian way
- Vanessa says Puma in a fascinating way

This Week: Kaim rescues the old sorceress!
Next Week: We finish Disc 2!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jun 14, 2021

We start getting into the tear-filled meat of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey in this emotional rollercoaster of a chunker. In this episode: the longest funeral in a game ever; two actually non-annoying children; and the further adventures of Prince Glitter Pony!


Also:
- That One Episode of GI Joe Where Everyone Dissolves Into Mud Puppets
- Jansen's Problematic Techniques
- Wells for Boys Energy
- Bob Sagetting the Kids
- Jamiroquai Glasses Improving Cutscenes

This Week: Kaim defeats the tentacle monster Obsidian!
Next Week: Kaim rescues the old sorceress!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jun 7, 2021

Rid of the curse of Kingdom Hearts for now the gang stumble onto Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey - a cult classic JRPG that flew under the radar back in 2008 in spite of an expensive ad campaign. Is it Sakaguchi's comeback? Or annoying and full of pointless stories? We're all pretty split on this one so far!
Also:
- International Cheese Day
- A Leaky Staff
- Her Chest Lacked the Swellings of a Grown Woman
- Big Sidekick Energy
- Prince Sparkle Pony
- #FriendsReunion
This Week: Kaim goes to jail after defeating a big ol' wormy boy in Lost Odyssey!

Next Week: Kaim defeats the tentacle monster Obsidian!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

May 31, 2021

The gang has mixed feelings over the ending of Kingdom Hearts 2 and are left with a lot of questions, like:

- Did any of this make sense?
- Why did Johnny yell at Matthew?
- Does what happened to Riku make more sense than the Marvel movies?
- Should you be pressing the Y / triangle button more? Or the X / Square? Or not?
- How do you pronounce Saix?
- And of course, the long requested: would you eat this summon?


This Week: We finish Kingdom Hearts 2, Thank God
Next Week: Kaim goes to jail after defeating a big ol' wormy boy in Lost Odyssey
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

May 24, 2021

Things get a little off the rails at the start of this Square Roots when an ice cream truck constantly drives past Johnny's window, causing him to lose all focus. But! We go back to your favorite Disney lands for another dose of direct to VHS sequel adventures, as well as...

- Matt Learns the Word Cheugy
- Peter Pan is Actually Pretty Cool
- Reading things "Burger Time"
- Crackers in the Bath Tub
- Vanessa Finds Out About Other Vanessa
- Sorry Mommy!


This Week: Agrabah 2, Port Royal 2, Halloweentown 2, Pride Lands 2
Next Week: We finish Kingdom Hearts 2, Thank God

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

May 21, 2021

Coming hot off the heels of one of our Scare Roots Livestreams, Vanessa and Jim sit down with the star of Phantasmagoria 2 - Paul Morgan Stetler! We discuss his new YouTube project Conversations with Curtis centered around the game, why the game may be finding a new life with today's gamers and get some insider details into what it was like to bring the game to life.

Check out Conversations with Curtis at https://www.youtube.com/c/conversationswithcurtis

Conversations With Curtis Patreon https://www.patreon.com/conversationswithcurtis 

May 17, 2021

The whole Square Roots is out of sorts this week as they are obsessed with chilli dogs, and not really that interested in Sora revisiting the Disney worlds again. But that doesn't mean there's not a lot to talk about, like:

- "I Love That You Love It"
- Evil Uncle Scratch
- Fitness Deez Lutz
- She Wants That Knot
- Not Gas-X
- Auron Action Figure


This Week: Land of Dragons 2, Beast's Castle 2, Olympus 2
Next Week: Agrabah 2, Port Royal 2, Halloweentown 2, Pride Lands 2


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

May 10, 2021

Somehow although we only visited a handful of worlds this chunker became chockablock with crazy nonsense, including:

- Lion Hamlet
- Vanessa Gets Visited By A Socially Conservative Owl
- Congratulations Things
- Roxas's friends: Hey There, Paunch and Oolug
- Getting Norted
- Do You Like Imagine Dragons?
- Naminé-tions
- Can Sora Read?
- Cyber Bikes
- "Got it memorized?"
- Goofy's Death
- JRPG Tommy Lee


This Week: Pride Lands, Twilight Town Revisited, Space Paranoids & Hollow Bastion Battle
Next Week:  Land of Dragons 2, Beast's Castle 2, Olympus 2

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

May 3, 2021

This time Kingdom Hearts 2 really swings for the bleachers with nothin' but hits, from Aladdin to Little Mermaids and Pirates of the Carribbean! It's tough to reach a consensus on all this finny fun, but there's plenty to enjoy such as:
- Gilbert Gottfried's newest sponsors
- Aladdin's Whole Other Family
- Vanessa's shocking Pirates confession
- A phone call to Magical Disney Locker Supply
- Way too much singing
This Week: Atlantica, Port Royal, Halloween Town, Agrabah
Next Week: Pride Lands, Hollow Bastion Battle & Space Paranoids, Land of Dragons Part 2
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

Apr 26, 2021

Oh hey! Welcome to our continuing journey through Squaresoft and Disney's Kingdom Hearts 2! There's plenty of Disney nostalgia in this episode, as well as Nomura nonsense, random Organization XIII characters and also:
- Disneyfied Auron
- Old Castles Aren't Fun
- Daisy's good Ending
- I believe in BooBerry
- A Little Pete Chat


This Week: Olympus, 100 Acre Wood, Disney Castle and Timeless River
Next Week: Atlantica, Port Royal, Halloween Town, Agrabah

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

Apr 19, 2021

We get through our first two Disney worlds and yet this episode is surprisingly light on Disney songs. On this chunker of Squaresoft's Kingdom Hearts 2 we get Sora a couple of rad keyblades and also:
- Jim explains how drives work
- Vanessa wants to learn all the official Disney nipples
- Everyone loves Doug Airholes
- Jim's first good theory in the history of the podcast
- A very horny wardrobe
- Vanessa's new bit: you have two bears inside you

This Week: Hollow Bastion, Land of Dragons, and Beast's Castle
Next Week: Olympus, 100 Acre Wood, Disney Castle and Timeless River

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

Apr 12, 2021

Oh yes. We have embarked on an adventure. We're going to the Kingdom.... of Hearts! Two! This Patreon vote winner has brought a multitude of responses from each host. On this episode:
- Matt's fancy son wonders why the chairs in Organization XIII are so high
- Jim gets frustrated when we don't let him tell us what's happening
- Johnny gets confused on whether this is a Matrix or a Truman Show or a Dark City
- We reveal the true origins of Count Dooku
- Are you ready for Conservative Comedian Goofy?
- Vanessa's new bit: her Donald Duck impression!


This Week: We get Sora's new outfit!
Next Week: Hollow Bastion, Land of Dragons, and Beast's Castle

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

Apr 5, 2021

Gird up your Mommy Milkers and Daddy Doinkers because it's time for some of us to finish Final Fantasy 8! This episode has everything you've ever wanted in a finalé episode, including:
- More GF ranking!
- Shumi Hand Talk!
- Only Vanessa understanding the ending!
- Junctionning yourself onto... SlutZone!
- Maybe the best Final Fantasy last dungeon ever?


This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We do some nonsense in Yensid's tower in KH2, don't ask me

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast


Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

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