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Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through another chunk of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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THE Classic RPG Podcast, w/Jim Banks, John Brandon, Matthew Van Zandt & Vanessa

Mass Effect 2 Part 3 - Avocado Nom 0
Jan 18, 2021

Finally, we get the whole team together in this action-packed chunker of Mass Effect! This week: tum-tums are punched and shot, we lean into our kids show host natures, Vanessa wants to Shape of Water Thane, people get sucked down the Illusive Man Space YouTube hole, Biotic Space God Niftu Cal, recruiting Timothy Olyphant and Snooki to help finish the fight, IRL Samara, Tattooed Teenage Fighters from Beverly Hills, ASMR Harbinger, and everyone's favorite Vader lines.
This Week: We finish recruiting Space Friends!
Next Week: We do all the Loyalty Missions!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:
Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987
Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ
And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mass Effect 2 Part 2 - What If Kaiden and Carth Kissed? 0
Jan 11, 2021

We're now getting deep into Mass Effect 2! On this episode we recruit the prisoner, meet up with Doctor Okurrrrrrrr, and save the Horizon Zero Dawn colony. Also this week: we compare the abilities of Cutscene Jack versus Game Jack, question just what symbols are on the side of the new Cerebus Normandy, Vanessa tries her hand at slash fiction, and so much more!


This Week: We rescue the Horizon colony!
Next Week: We finish recruiting Space Friends!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:

Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987

Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ

And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mass Effect 2 Part 1 - Hot Jabba 0
Jan 4, 2021

On your favorite podcast on the citadel this season: we discuss Mass Effect 2! So much to go through that this chunker hits almost three hours. Sorry. Topics discussed include: Miranda's game cover blowout; potential colony names including MILF Town and Slut Zone (again); the Helena Blake Sale; Garrus's erotic leg spread and of course Jim's big teeth fetish.


This Week: We recruit Archangel!
Next Week: We will play through the dossiers of the convict, warlord and Horizon Colony! Plus Citadel quests.


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast


Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:

Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987


Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ


And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8


Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/


Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Vagrant Story Part 4 - It's A Whole Thing 0
Dec 28, 2020

We wrap up Squaresoft's Vagrant Story this week, and with that the Sydney and Ashley's story ends. Lots of stuff to talk about: is Crimson Shroud an Ivalice game? Tip versus Root versus Rood? Why is Ashley holding Sydney so tenderly? What the heck happened at the Duke's secondary residence?


This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We recruit Archangel!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Vagrant Story Part 3 - Classic Square Roots Character Leppity Moore 0
Dec 21, 2020

Frankly, this episode was an embarassment of riches for possible titles. We could have had: "Butt Metal Game Music", "Nugget Furniture After Dark", "Korn's Haze Theme", "Party Talk Is In The House Tonight", "Hashtag Crime" or even "Vanessa's Giant Themed OnlyFans!" And that's not even getting into the full eight minute long hiccup attack Jim has if you listen through the credits.


This Week: We kill Kali in the Temple of Kiltia!
Next Week: We finish the game!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast


Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/


Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Vagrant Story Part 2 - Locker Worthy 0
Dec 14, 2020

After we all throw Vanessa in a locker for insisting on using the term baileywick "we" continue to "play" Vagrant story, with varying degrees of quotation marks needed on a host-by-host basis. But we continue with this Cross Guy Rosencrantz heavy episode, which has not one but two Troy-from-Community style moments where Ashley is forced to realize traumatic things about his past. Also: muscle dobby, Vanessa gets increasingly angry about obtuse game lore, and so much more!


This Week: "We" defeat Rosencrantz in a duel!
Next Week: "We" kill Kali in the Temple of Kiltia!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/


Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Vagrant Story Part 1 - Are We Ready To Talk About That Dumper? 0
Dec 7, 2020

Oh yeah, life goes on, until your servants and kids are taken hostage by a cult. On this first episode of Squaresoft's Vagrant Story, even I cringe at my pronunciation of Solstice. Also discussed today: bulges, butts, peek-a-boo windows, Christmas in Ivalice, impressive video game hair, and more. Also we drive Vanessa off the show by refusing to stop discussing risk levels, affinity, and weapon combos.


This Week: We get the crimson key to the underground mine.
Next Week: Defeat the Rosencrantz at the Warrior's Rest!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

 

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Fable II Part 4 - Robots Don't Smell 0
Nov 30, 2020

Is the world too mean to Molyneux? Did he enjoy that picture of himself as a snake oil salesman in the game? What happened to all of Johnny's husbands? Did The Great British Bake-Off steal Fable II's music? Is Reaver bisexual? We answer all of these questions and more in this finale to our playthrough of Lionhead Studio's Fable II!


This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: Uhhhhhh. We don't know. Tune in Tuesday for the results of our poll!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Fable II Part 3 - The Libeartarians of Bloodstone 0
Nov 23, 2020

When Johnny's away, the podcast does talk about politics! On this week's episode Matthew, Jim and Vanessa tackle Libeartarianism, Jim googles stuff, and Vanessa decides to unwisely crush on Reaver! Also: the interesting choices of the Spire, the gentrification of Westcliff, and so much more!


This Week: We reach the assault on Bloodstone!
Next Week: We finish the game!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/


Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Fable II Part 2 - The Crooshible 0
Nov 16, 2020

Okay, I'm just going to say it: this week we mercilessly bully Matthew. It's true. Jim, Vanessa and Johnny focus on Matthew's pronunciation instead of on Lionhead Studio's classic action RPG Fable II. Also he isn't riding the wave of next-gen consoles. Otherwise, we help or hinder farmers, get married, get "divorced", and settle into the fleshy meat of this enjoyable game.

This Week: We reach The Spire!
Next Week: We reach the assault on Bloodstone!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Fable II Part 1 - Dog Box, You'll Call It 0
Nov 9, 2020

By harnessing the power of the Xbox 360, we move into Lionhead Studios' wacky, Discworld-esque Fable II. Topics touched on today: Blast Corps memories, travelling back to the Willenium, more Molyneux talk, the fine details of fridging, Fable 1 Nermal Edition, and Vanessa gambles on changing the podcast to cover FPSes. Will Sierra Roots ever return? FIND OUT!


This Week: We start The Ritual quest, your first Hero mission in Fable II.
Next Week: We reach The Spire!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Chrono Cross Part 7 - owo, wouwdst thou wike the taste of buttow? 0
Nov 2, 2020

Oh boy. We finished Squaresoft's 2000 epic, Chrono Cross. And it didn't quite go the way we imagined. There's a lot to cover on this episode, including the WAT, PolisPolice, Clive, Jill and Joshua of Valisthea, Johnny's daydream, Jim trying to explain the plot in one breath and...daughter clones?!

This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We start The Ritual quest, your first Hero mission in Fable II.

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

 

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Thanks to RichaadEB for letting us use their cover of Scars of Time!

Find Richaad on Youtube: youtube.com/richaadeb
Twitter: @richaadEB
Patreon: RichaadEB

Chrono Cross Part 6 - The Full Buns 0
Oct 26, 2020

In this dragon-fighting episode of Square Roots, we finish Disc 1 of Squaresoft's Chrono Cross. Also: Jim describes a movie that cannot possibly exist, we try to guess who is in a werewolf movie, we see a dripping wet Time Twink, and Vanessa reminds you not to put too many worms before your cart, because they'll get squished.


This Week: We finish Disc 1!
Next Week: We finish the game!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com


Thanks to RichaadEB for letting us use their cover of Scars of Time!

Find Richaad on Youtube: youtube.com/richaadeb
Twitter: @richaadEB
Patreon: RichaadEB

Chrono Cross Part 5 - Time Echoes Are NOT Ghosts 0
Oct 19, 2020

On this reality-warping episode of Square Roots, things get... complicated in Square's Chrono Cross. First of all: we're deep in Disc 3 crazy and it's just disc 1. Also: cookin' up enemies, how this game is just like Sleepaway Camp, and trying to determine what the Chrono Trigger of Chrono Trigger is.


This Week: We reach the second dragon!
Next Week: We finished Disc 1!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Thanks to RichaadEB for letting us use their cover of Scars of Time!

Find Richaad on Youtube: youtube.com/richaadeb
Twitter: @richaadEB
Patreon: RichaadEB

Chrono Cross Part 4 - Tummy Two-Tome 0
Oct 12, 2020

Finally, we catch up with Masamune, everyone's favorite zany fellas, except now they're a sword and it's depressing. Also discussed: Nikki is a quarter fish, Scandinavian UwU, the ramifications of Vegas, and how Lynx has broken every human law.


This Week: We fight Garai on the Isle of the Damned!
Next Week: We reach the second dragon!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Thanks to RichaadEB for letting us use their cover of Scars of Time!
Find Richaad on Youtube: youtube.com/richaadeb
Twitter: @richaadEB
Patreon: RichaadEB

Chrono Cross Part 3 - Ouch Water 0
Oct 5, 2020

We're back in the original timeline in Chrono Cross, but that doesn't stop things from getting real trippy and weird. We meet a frog dragon, there's a terrifying fairy genocide, recruit an oWo, and plunge into Fort Dragonia. Also: Jim debates Matthew on rip-off versus homage, we fill out our JRPG bingo cards, and we maybe even start enjoying this game.

This Week: We clear out Fort Dragonia!
Next Week: We fight Garai on the Isle of the Damned!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Thanks to RichaadEB for letting us use their cover of Scars of Time!
Find Richaad on Youtube: youtube.com/richaadeb
Twitter: @richaadEB
Patreon: RichaadEB

Chrono Cross Part 2 - THERE'S NO GIRLFRIENDS IN SPACE 0
Sep 28, 2020

In this episode, we get all exploded by time. Especially Jim. So much Jim. Have you ever heard Jim mad? You will today. Because Jim found out what happened to the Epoch.


This Week: We either get to the beach in the Original timeline, or recruit Glenn in the alternate timeline.
Next Week: We clear out Fort Dragonia!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
Thanks to RichaadEB for letting us use their cover of Scars of Time!
Find Richaad on Youtube: youtube.com/richaadeb
Twitter: @richaadEB
Patreon: RichaadEB

Chrono Cross Part 1 - Poshul Is A Human Man In A Suit Pretending To Be A Dog 0
Sep 21, 2020

We start everyone's favorite sequel to Chrono Trigger: Chrono Cross! Finally we catch up with our favourite pals, Chrono, Lucca, Frog, Robo, and see what they're doing, right? Right? After a while? We assume this is some kind of Final Fantasy XII start with temporary characters before switching to your favorites. Also: Johnny ruminates on a Bolero jacket, there's way too much PUBG talk, Kid falls out of a regional Christmas Carol performance, and Vanessa is very excited about a Sliders scenario.


This Week: We get to Termina in Chrono Cross!
Next Week: We either get to the beach in the Original timeline, or recruit Glenn in the alternate timeline.


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
Thanks to RichaadEB for letting us use their cover of Scars of Time!

Find Richaad on Youtube: youtube.com/richaadeb
Twitter: @richaadEB
Patreon: RichaadEB

Mario + Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story Part 5 - What You Gotta Do When You Got That Wet Ass Puzzle 0
Sep 14, 2020

VANESSA DOESN'T KNOW WHO CAPTAIN TOAD THE TREASURE TRACKER IS AND THAT IS INSANE. Also this week, as we finish Nintendo's Mario + Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story on 3DS, we talk about Luigi's glistening mustache, peeling down your Karibo, inflation, and finally Matthew locks Sam Elliott outside.

This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We get to Termina in Chrono Cross!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/


Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mario + Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story Part 4 - Do You Know What Bungeon is Short For? 0
Sep 7, 2020

Kuzzle. *teehee*

In this chunker of Bowser's Inside Story, Vanessa makes a shocking discovery: no one was exaggerating Luigi's treatment by the saucy Wisdurm. Also this chunker: Bowser learns to Body Slam, Mario finds a Star Cure, and finally, finally we see what's inside Bowser's Brain.
This Week: We enter Bowser's BRAIN!
Next Week: We finish the game!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mario + Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story Part 3 - Sam Elliott Explains Tickle Consent 0
Aug 31, 2020

Either Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman shows up as well in this star-studded episode of Square Roots! We continue with Nintendo's Bowser's Inside Story and stumble over Jesse's Girl 2, fail a whole bunch of minigames, find a kink Johnny doesn't want to talk about, Bowserimi Battles the Tower Robot, and we realize that this used to be a family podcast.

This Week: We defeat the Tower of Yikk!
Next Week: We enter Bowser's BRAIN!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mario + Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story Part 2 - #HOLESOME 0
Aug 24, 2020

There's no way that things could get weird in this chunker of Bowser's Inside Story where Bowser eats his vegetables, right? Sam Elliott would disagree, and he is here to guide Vanessa through a world of forbidden pleasure. So much is learned. Johnny might stomp on a model city. Matthew comes out as a finsub. ALSO THERE IS NO BODY SWAPPING IN FATHER OF THE BRIDE VANESSA

This Week: Bowser eats too much at the buffet.
Next Week: We find out what a Boo-Ray machine is.

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast


Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/



Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mario + Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story Part 1 - Moratorium On Any S-Words 0
Aug 17, 2020

This week we start Nintendo's DS / 3DS Mario Brothers RPG! Just a heads up, we may mention vore a few times. And inflation. And squirting. Splashing. Squishing. So many S-Words.

This Week: We defeat Broque Monsieur's wonderful Broggie.
Next Week: We get trapped in Toad Town!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

OOPS! All Listeners! 0
Aug 13, 2020

Hi friends! There was an accident at the podcast factory, but instead of only mouth-cutting corn puffs, this podcast is entirely* listener produced!

Special thanks to:

Gabe Kleinart
Julian Titus and the Nerds Without Pants podcast
G Bailey
Zombie Rogers
Dr. Fine Say Everyone's Name
Andrew Weyant

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to GillStudio for letting us use their cover of Time To Make History!
Check out GillStudio on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/gillstudio
Check out GillStudio on Spotify: https://spoti.fi/2CwnLwt
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

*there are occasional host interruptions

Persona 4 Part 8 - Square Roots Voreses Bowser 0
Aug 10, 2020

There's so much here. There's Lady Spawn. We find like five layers of Marie's secrets. We ask a gas station attendant if they gave us super powers. We get very confused about both the game's mythology and Japanese mythology. There's an endless epilogue. We consider playing Okami to try and figure things out. Jim's arm really hurts.


This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We defeat Broque Monsieur's wonderful Broggie.


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to GillStudio for letting us use their cover of Time To Make History!
Check out GillStudio on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/gillstudio
Check out GillStudio on Spotify: https://spoti.fi/2CwnLwt
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

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