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Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through another chunk of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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THE Classic RPG Podcast, w/Jim Banks, John Brandon, Matthew Van Zandt & Vanessa

Apr 12, 2021

Oh yes. We have embarked on an adventure. We're going to the Kingdom.... of Hearts! Two! This Patreon vote winner has brought a multitude of responses from each host. On this episode:
- Matt's fancy son wonders why the chairs in Organization XIII are so high
- Jim gets frustrated when we don't let him tell us what's happening
- Johnny gets confused on whether this is a Matrix or a Truman Show or a Dark City
- We reveal the true origins of Count Dooku
- Are you ready for Conservative Comedian Goofy?
- Vanessa's new bit: her Donald Duck impression!


This Week: We get Sora's new outfit!
Next Week: Hollow Bastion, Land of Dragons, and Beast's Castle

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

Apr 5, 2021

Gird up your Mommy Milkers and Daddy Doinkers because it's time for some of us to finish Final Fantasy 8! This episode has everything you've ever wanted in a finalé episode, including:
- More GF ranking!
- Shumi Hand Talk!
- Only Vanessa understanding the ending!
- Junctionning yourself onto... SlutZone!
- Maybe the best Final Fantasy last dungeon ever?


This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We do some nonsense in Yensid's tower in KH2, don't ask me

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast


Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Apr 4, 2021
We sit down with Writer/Director Billy Ray (Captain Phillips, The Comey Rule, The Hunger Games), to discuss his film Shattered Glass, ethics in journalism, and his upcoming series on the January 6th attacks on the US Capitol.
 
VIDYA GAMEZ

Check out Billy Ray's wiki here: 
 
Tweet at Billy Ray: @BillyRay5229
 
Watch Shattered Glass free on Youtube here: 
 

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

 
 
Mar 29, 2021

Holy heck! Square Roots is FIVE whole years old! We debate whether half a decade is a long time as well as other hot topics like:
- Vanessa doesn't want to be in a certain Posse
- The Crisp Bowl Spire
- Rinoa's little flux problem, a blurby wurble thing
- Lunatic Pandora, Matt's Favourite Papa Roach Album
- Final Fantasy's Longest Running Will They / Won't They


This Week: We finish Disc 3!
Next Week: We finish the game!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mar 22, 2021

Okay, this is an incredible episode.
Why? Because of the following talking points:


- A Kramer Versus Kramer Scenario
- A Difficult Cidtuation
- Ruby Dragon: A XXX Porn Parody
- Terrible Sephiroth
- Would You Put Your Penix in the Phoenix?

This Week: We reach the Lunar Gate as Squall!
Next Week: We finish Disc 3!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mar 15, 2021

YEAH! We're only on Disc 2 and yet it's already Disc 3 crazy. This episode: we discuss Mortal Monday and the declaration of release dates; the world's most obvious Alan Tudyk pun; we list out the greatest sax hits for Irvine to play; Quistis mimes the flute; Squall makes PA announcements about hotdogs and his feelings; we meet the Garden Babies and SO MUCH MORE.
This Week: We finish Disc 2!


Next Week: We reach the Lunar Gate as Squall
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!

Twitter: @squarerootspod

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mar 8, 2021

We all have a game
That we hide away forever
Then we take it out and play ourselves
When everything is wrong
Some are Seifer some are Squall
Some are Selphie and some are Quistis
They're the cast of this chunker
But we love to play them all!
Well, we all get impaled
But we disregard the danger
When you try to assassinate the sorceress
Sometimes you go to jail
Why were you so surprised
That you didn't kill the Squallster
Did you really think the game would end
When we're on disc number 2?


This Week: We reach Fisherman's Horizon!
Next Week: We finish Disc 2!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Mar 1, 2021

Vanessa gets lost in her role as the Sorceress Edea in this jam-packed episode of Square Roots. Not only do we discuss all sorts of kinds of tap dances, we also look at Rinoa's comfortable sweater, get involved in another caper, meet some big beefy bull boys, realize Irvine looks like a male stripper-slash-magician, and cast a 1990s dream version of Final Fantasy 8 for which we are cancelled.
This Week: We finish Disc 1!
Next Week: We reach Fisherman's Horizon!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Feb 22, 2021

Have the tables turned on Final Fantasy 8? Is everyone loving it all of a sudden? What the hell? One word: TRAINS. On this episode of Square Roots: we visit the hot dog room, Vanessa wants feathery soft chocobo cuddles and fluffly flappy moogle cuddles, Laguna Loire is the first real protagonist of the game, Johnny breaks the game, a three-person locker is ordered, and Jim body shames Muncher.


This Week: We get to Galbadia Garden!
Next Week: We finish Disc 1!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Feb 15, 2021

Oh boy. The JRPG you either love, hate, or have another opinion on - Square's Final Fantasy VIII. Topics covered today: L'il Baby I Don't know; this game is about reading in a serious way; identifying a real Lisa Kudrow; thicc, thicc Quistis; cargo jorts; sometimes Squall has a 4K face; and Vanessa's greatest mashup ever: Truly, Madly, Crazy.


This Week: We save Rinoa (??) after she meets the best looking guy at the dance!
Next Week: We get to Galbadia Garden!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Feb 8, 2021

Mass Effect 2 COMPLETE. How many hosts crossed the finish line? Did everyone side with the Alliance or The Illustrated Man? Why were the Reapers building a Baby Terminator? What's up with all the useful people being loaded onto the Magic School Bus? Did Johnny get to romance Morinth? Who lived and who died on the suicide mission? So many questions!


This Week: We finish Mass Effect 2!
Next Week: We save Rinoa after she meets the best looking guy at the dance!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:
Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987
Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ
And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Feb 1, 2021

You'll be glad you came to listen to this episode of our Mass Effect 2 playthrough, because it's got it all: Vanessa questioning whether Johnny knows what a nipple is, Luke's classic line "No you weren't, Obi-Wan!", classic dumb robot logic, a doctor definitely not being controlled by this lovely, beautiful artifact, and Vanessa reveals that Batarians are technically people, but, you know. Also, don't forget: pew pew pew, launch launch launch, float float float, it's Mass Effect.


This Week: We play the DLC!
Next Week: We finish Mass Effect 2!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:

Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987

Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ

And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Jan 25, 2021

On this week's episode of Square Roots, we clear up all the Loyalty Missions in Mass Effect 2, as well as so many other shocking revelations including: Elcor stepmom fan fiction, Wesident Evil 8 Vampire Lady, Morinth and her love for Matchbox 20, Johnny's apparent love for Boondock Saints and Garrus trying to frame Shepherd for his crimes.


This Week: We finish recruiting Space Friends!
Next Week: We do all the Loyalty Missions!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:
Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987
Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ
And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Jan 18, 2021

Finally, we get the whole team together in this action-packed chunker of Mass Effect! This week: tum-tums are punched and shot, we lean into our kids show host natures, Vanessa wants to Shape of Water Thane, people get sucked down the Illusive Man Space YouTube hole, Biotic Space God Niftu Cal, recruiting Timothy Olyphant and Snooki to help finish the fight, IRL Samara, Tattooed Teenage Fighters from Beverly Hills, ASMR Harbinger, and everyone's favorite Vader lines.
This Week: We finish recruiting Space Friends!
Next Week: We do all the Loyalty Missions!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:
Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987
Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ
And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Jan 11, 2021

We're now getting deep into Mass Effect 2! On this episode we recruit the prisoner, meet up with Doctor Okurrrrrrrr, and save the Horizon Zero Dawn colony. Also this week: we compare the abilities of Cutscene Jack versus Game Jack, question just what symbols are on the side of the new Cerebus Normandy, Vanessa tries her hand at slash fiction, and so much more!


This Week: We rescue the Horizon colony!
Next Week: We finish recruiting Space Friends!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:

Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987

Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ

And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Jan 4, 2021

On your favorite podcast on the citadel this season: we discuss Mass Effect 2! So much to go through that this chunker hits almost three hours. Sorry. Topics discussed include: Miranda's game cover blowout; potential colony names including MILF Town and Slut Zone (again); the Helena Blake Sale; Garrus's erotic leg spread and of course Jim's big teeth fetish.


This Week: We recruit Archangel!
Next Week: We will play through the dossiers of the convict, warlord and Horizon Colony! Plus Citadel quests.


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast


Thanks to Ro Panuganti and Lord Bif for letting us use their cover of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission:

Check out Ro Panuganti's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Swiggles1987


Check out Lord Bif's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAe-WMrDelXvw9ik2MpwBHQ


And the video for this track is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzkQQFbPN8


Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/


Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Dec 28, 2020

We wrap up Squaresoft's Vagrant Story this week, and with that the Sydney and Ashley's story ends. Lots of stuff to talk about: is Crimson Shroud an Ivalice game? Tip versus Root versus Rood? Why is Ashley holding Sydney so tenderly? What the heck happened at the Duke's secondary residence?


This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We recruit Archangel!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Dec 21, 2020

Frankly, this episode was an embarassment of riches for possible titles. We could have had: "Butt Metal Game Music", "Nugget Furniture After Dark", "Korn's Haze Theme", "Party Talk Is In The House Tonight", "Hashtag Crime" or even "Vanessa's Giant Themed OnlyFans!" And that's not even getting into the full eight minute long hiccup attack Jim has if you listen through the credits.


This Week: We kill Kali in the Temple of Kiltia!
Next Week: We finish the game!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast


Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/


Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Dec 14, 2020

After we all throw Vanessa in a locker for insisting on using the term baileywick "we" continue to "play" Vagrant story, with varying degrees of quotation marks needed on a host-by-host basis. But we continue with this Cross Guy Rosencrantz heavy episode, which has not one but two Troy-from-Community style moments where Ashley is forced to realize traumatic things about his past. Also: muscle dobby, Vanessa gets increasingly angry about obtuse game lore, and so much more!


This Week: "We" defeat Rosencrantz in a duel!
Next Week: "We" kill Kali in the Temple of Kiltia!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/


Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Dec 7, 2020

Oh yeah, life goes on, until your servants and kids are taken hostage by a cult. On this first episode of Squaresoft's Vagrant Story, even I cringe at my pronunciation of Solstice. Also discussed today: bulges, butts, peek-a-boo windows, Christmas in Ivalice, impressive video game hair, and more. Also we drive Vanessa off the show by refusing to stop discussing risk levels, affinity, and weapon combos.


This Week: We get the crimson key to the underground mine.
Next Week: Defeat the Rosencrantz at the Warrior's Rest!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

 

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Nov 30, 2020

Is the world too mean to Molyneux? Did he enjoy that picture of himself as a snake oil salesman in the game? What happened to all of Johnny's husbands? Did The Great British Bake-Off steal Fable II's music? Is Reaver bisexual? We answer all of these questions and more in this finale to our playthrough of Lionhead Studio's Fable II!


This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: Uhhhhhh. We don't know. Tune in Tuesday for the results of our poll!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Nov 23, 2020

When Johnny's away, the podcast does talk about politics! On this week's episode Matthew, Jim and Vanessa tackle Libeartarianism, Jim googles stuff, and Vanessa decides to unwisely crush on Reaver! Also: the interesting choices of the Spire, the gentrification of Westcliff, and so much more!


This Week: We reach the assault on Bloodstone!
Next Week: We finish the game!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/


Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Nov 16, 2020

Okay, I'm just going to say it: this week we mercilessly bully Matthew. It's true. Jim, Vanessa and Johnny focus on Matthew's pronunciation instead of on Lionhead Studio's classic action RPG Fable II. Also he isn't riding the wave of next-gen consoles. Otherwise, we help or hinder farmers, get married, get "divorced", and settle into the fleshy meat of this enjoyable game.

This Week: We reach The Spire!
Next Week: We reach the assault on Bloodstone!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Nov 9, 2020

By harnessing the power of the Xbox 360, we move into Lionhead Studios' wacky, Discworld-esque Fable II. Topics touched on today: Blast Corps memories, travelling back to the Willenium, more Molyneux talk, the fine details of fridging, Fable 1 Nermal Edition, and Vanessa gambles on changing the podcast to cover FPSes. Will Sierra Roots ever return? FIND OUT!


This Week: We start The Ritual quest, your first Hero mission in Fable II.
Next Week: We reach The Spire!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Nov 2, 2020

Oh boy. We finished Squaresoft's 2000 epic, Chrono Cross. And it didn't quite go the way we imagined. There's a lot to cover on this episode, including the WAT, PolisPolice, Clive, Jill and Joshua of Valisthea, Johnny's daydream, Jim trying to explain the plot in one breath and...daughter clones?!

This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We start The Ritual quest, your first Hero mission in Fable II.

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

 

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Thanks to RichaadEB for letting us use their cover of Scars of Time!

Find Richaad on Youtube: youtube.com/richaadeb
Twitter: @richaadEB
Patreon: RichaadEB

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