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Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through another chunk of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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THE Classic RPG Podcast, w/Jim Banks, John Brandon, Matthew Van Zandt & Vanessa

Mar 6, 2017

NEXT GAME ANNOUNCEMENT! We wrap up Knights of the Old Republic by storming through the mystery planet of the Rakatans, botch the Light Side quest (yeah, those villages aren't being unified), die in some terrible wrong dialogue choice auto-deaths, fight the controls in possibly the worst KOTOR bullshit minigame ever, and decide the fate of the galaxy and which ending we're gonna get through some super unclear dialogue choices. Spoiler alert: Jim may not be happy with the ending he received. Also: we miss the low-hanging Revan / Raven fruit, everyone commits at least light genocide, and Bastila still hasn't figured out that Chunk Meatlover is gay.

This week on Square Roots:WE FINISH THE GAME

Next week on Square Roots: We start our new game and get two of whatever objects it is you have to collect in this game!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Our theme music is by Vince Carrola, check out his great work at: https://www.youtube.com/user/VJC222

 

Feb 27, 2017

We're closing in on the end of Knights of the Old Republic in this episode as we head to the Sith Academy on Korriban. Is it a Saved By The Sith situation? A Sith Valley High scenario? This is an action and reference packed episode! Jolee becomes the breakout character of the game; John and Matt talk about shopping for five minutes, until Vanessa stops them; a debate on whether or not people would run into each other that often in huge galaxies; Jim accidentally does good and Vanessa accidentally goes evil; is Sith society sustainable; obscure references John makes that go over everyone else's heads include En Vogue, Mary J. Blige, Showgirls and Degrassi Junior High; Matthew reduces the academy to a pile of smoldering corpses; a special appearance from M. Night Shamaylan!

This week on Square Roots: We enroll in the Sith Academy on Korriban, and find the Star Map!

Next week on Square Roots: WE FINISH THE GAME

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Our theme music is by Vince Carrola, check out his great work at: https://www.youtube.com/user/VJC222

 

Feb 20, 2017

Things get started with a bang as we attempt to interview poor, gullable Gluupor for an unpaid internship. We explore the railroading that gets us captured, none of us are particularly bothered by Bastila's torture, we meet Discount Darth Vader face to face, Jolee gets to do some heroic mind tricks, and finally... yes, finally... we learn the truth about our character's roots in an exciting denuement! Also: is Alderaan really the Portland of Star Wars? Are Jedis basically ninjas? Did Bastila really have to sacrifice herself? 

This week on Square Roots: THE LEVIATHAN!

Next week on Square Roots: We navigate the twisty turns of Korriban!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Our theme music is by Vince Carrola, check out his great work at: https://www.youtube.com/user/VJC222

 

Feb 13, 2017

Gluupor probably not fit to stand trial. Gluupor not even totally sure how Gluupor got to Manaan. Gluupor not an expert at interrogation. Gluupor also not super into logarithmic pairs. Other things Gluupor confused by: ancient fish gods; super slow underwater sections; solving mysteries; getting tried and convicted by a jury of fish people. Gluupor not understand any of this. Gluupor just wants to sit down and cry. Please let Gluupor cry. 

This week on Square Roots: We dive through the Costnery Waterworld of Manaan!

Next week on Square Roots:THE LEVIATHAN!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Our theme music is by Vince Carrola, check out his great work at: https://www.youtube.com/user/VJC222

 

Feb 6, 2017

Do you like the sound of Wookies? You better, because on Kashyyk it's all Wookies all the time. Jim spent his time on the forest planet being kind of terrible at being terrible, while Vanessa was a good good woman and killed robots, we solve a mystery, fight some Cylons, figure out ideal specs for Jedis, and have Carth inexplicably get mad at us for no reason yet again. On the plus side the Wookies can totally go nuts and kill all the Czerka dudes, so hey!

This week on Square Roots: We greet the Wookies on Kashyyk!

Next week on Square Roots:We go under the sea! To Manaan!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Our theme music is by Vince Carrola, check out his great work at: https://www.youtube.com/user/VJC222

Other tracks used today:
Star Wars (JVC) NES - Cantina Stage
Knights of the Old Republic - Kashyyk

 

Jan 30, 2017

It's all hands on deck for the invasion of Tattooine! Matthew takes offense at spurious uses of the term "dragon"! Sand jokes are made! Homicidal robots are found! We kill dozens of sand people! Marlena gets her revenge on her terrible husband! John isn't super great at being good and Jim is kind of terrible at being evil! The very foundations of Square Roots threaten to break apart as the Sqooters spar over John's overuse of sound cues!


This week on Square Roots: We trek through the sandy sand of Tatooine!


Next week on Square Roots: We say hi to the wookies of Kashyyk!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Our theme music is by Vince Carrola, check out his great work at: https://www.youtube.com/user/VJC222

Other tracks used today:
Return of the Jedi Special Edition - Jedi Rocks!
Knights of the Old Republic - Tattoine / The Dune Sea

 

Jan 23, 2017

Matthew finds his KOTOR groove as Jim and he pit the Space Montagues against the Space Capulets in this star crossed episode of Knights of the Old Republic. Also: mouths are smashed; Shantae can stay; we meet a non-Batman based Catwoman; everyone hates the crappy Jedi council; we solve a mystery, Phoenix Wright style; and we explore just how much more fun the Dark Side is in this game.


This week on Square Roots: We plow through the Jedi trials of Dantooine!


Next week on Square Roots: We trek through the sandy sand of Tatooine!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Our theme music is by Vince Carrola, check out his great work at: https://www.youtube.com/user/VJC222

Other tracks used today:
Weird Al Yankovic - Yoda
Knights of the Old Republic - Malak's Theme
Knights of the Old Republic - Dantooine
Vanessa - Her Dantooine Song

 

Jan 16, 2017

Vanessa goes turret crazy this week as Jim tackles his problems sticking to the Dark Side, John is relentlessly teased for his terrible headphones, and we play through another big ol' chunkerino of Knights of the Old Republic. This week: Villains buy food and medicine! Light Side Jedis kill everyone! We debate ways to kill a rankor beast! We totally forgot about a droid! We ponder the issues inherent in BioWare sidequest design! Jim has many limes! For scurvy! And so much more.


This week on Square Roots: We play from the Undercity through until the escape from Taris.


Next week on Square Roots: We complete the trials of Dantooine!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Our theme music is by Vince Carrola, check out his great work at: https://www.youtube.com/user/VJC222

Other tracks used today:
Hot Gossip & Sarah Brightman - Starship Trooper
Knights of the Old Republic - Bastila's Theme
Knights of the Old Republic - Javyar's Cantina

 

Jan 9, 2017

OH MAN! A new game! A new year! And it's Star Wars! We start off with a quick review of Rogue One in which Matthew tries to fight everyone, then Matthew comes out as a Young Galaxy-er, and rejects the premise that KOTOR was set 3956 years before A New Hope; Nessa’s touching Fisher Stevens tribute; Nessa’s standards for a dream man include that he has a jacket; Jim debates the morality of buying a drunk a drink versus killing them; John refuses to discuss his mother’s vast extended universe library; Larry the Cable Bi voicing the hick janitor; Matt Stone as Calo Nord, the Space Mom who gives Rodians a time out; no one knows who Imoen is; many Beck jokes are told; Jim says some shameful things; finally, Matthew tries to spell out exactly who Malak and Revan are, because it's darn confusing.


This week on Square Roots: We play from the start on the Endar Spire until you reach the village in the Undercity.


Next week on Square Roots: We finish off Taris and blast off to Dantooine!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

No theme music this week as we haven't got permission from any artists yet. We'll get back with something fun from the Star Wars community ASAP before the next episode!

 

Jan 3, 2017

New friends of the podcast just happened to drop by and talk with us about the finer points of Final Fantasy X! We've got the translator Nick Des Barres, Nerds Without Pants's Julian Titus, and former xSeed editor Jess Chavez here to talk overdrives, Lulu's belts, literal verses interpretive translation, comparing and contrasting the Trails in the Sky heroes versus the Final Fantasy cast, FF9 Versus FFX status ailments, and even more incredible nitty-gritty that we love to delve into.

But! Don't worry! We'll be back next Monday morning with the first episode of KOTOR! Don't forget to play until you hit the village in the Undercity!

 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/squarerootspodcast
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

 

Find Jeremiah George on:

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Dec 25, 2016

It's a Square Roots Christmas as Matthew decides that we're not doing the whole RPG thing any more and says bah, humbug! You'll never guess what happens next. Okay. You'll probably guess. But that's okay. Sometimes there's comfort in predictability. The milk man, the paperboy, evening TV. How did I get delivered here? Someone tell me, please. This ol' world's confusing me.

Do you think the Family Matters theme and the Full House theme kind of sounded the same?

Special thanks to Owen Choules of Classic Schmassic for his wonderful narration.

Next week on Square Roots: A Final Fantasy X Retrospective Episode

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/squarerootspodcast
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Dec 19, 2016

Mike "Mark" McDonald and Randy Newman join the gang as we plow through the end of Final Fantasy X! This week: Yojimbo redeems himself in the eyes of Matthew, Squaresoft decides to cram in one last terrible minigame, we discuss the song Otherworld, Seymour gets a curly moustache, Matthew gives the game Ten Out Of Ten Final Fantasy Tens, Vanessa kills bosses with Blitzballs, Jecht goes Full Final Fantasy IV Cid, rosebuds are smashed, and so much more.

This time: We finish Final Fantasy X!

Next time: A Christmas miracle!

 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/squarerootspodcast
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

 

Find Jeremiah George on:

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Dec 16, 2016

And now for something completely different! With special guest Chelsea from Twincast Cosplay we take a long, long look at the fashion do's and don'ts of some of the biggest stars Spira has to offer! We break down Tidus's Blitzball uniform, Seymour's wedding gear, Rikku's diving suit and casual wear, Lulu's gothic phase, O'aka's Organ Grinder Monkey look and ask the ultimate question: who wore it better, Kuja or Yunalesca?

Find more of Chelsea's cosplay at: https://www.facebook.com/twincastcosplay/

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com

Dec 12, 2016

Before we finish the game next episode we take an hour to dive into all the sidequests and minigames that Final Fantasy X has to offer! Matthew rejects Yojimbo’s lack of rabbitness, everyone’s favorite sitcom Fiends, Lulu’s summoner issues, Trommel’s death wish, Jim’s Naboo adventure, Jim has an out of body experience due to celestial mirror discussions, Matthew goes back to his home planet, Belgamine is a guh-guh-guh-ghost, the frustration of unskippable Dark Aeons, Jecht being a jerk in his spheres, Kinoc and Auron’s relationship, a surprise CD-I discussion, our final thoughts on Blitzball, lightning dodging, butterfly avoidance, monster hunting and more.

This week on Square Roots: We find Yojimbo, Anima, the Magus Sisters and get as many Celestial Weapons as we can handle.

Next week on Square Roots: WE FINISH THE GAAAAAAME!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/squarerootspodcast
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

 

Find Jeremiah George on:

Youtube

Patreon!

Loudr

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Dec 5, 2016

Things get much, much darker as there is much child murder in this episode and possibly in this chunk of Final Fantasy X. The chambers of the Fayth get real bad this episode, but the bosses get better. There are many, many flashbacks. We also explore the steamy sinful relationship between Jecht, Auron and Braska, we ponder the lack of clothing on Yunalesca, and Vanessa gets some audio issues and kind of sounds like a robot. But is this robot programmed for good or evil?

This week on Square Roots: We play through Zanarkand through the encounter with Yunalesca until we're back on the airship.


Next week on Square Roots: We go hang out with Maester Mika and do all sorts of fun sidequest shenanigans!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/squarerootspodcast
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

 

Find Jeremiah George on:

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Nov 28, 2016

After kicking little Timmy out of the studio and sending George Lucas out for coffees we sing the theme to the Vanessa Girl anime and get started trekking through Mount Gagazet. On this week’s Square Roots: Vanessa reveals the secrets to the Ronso language, John performs the Yuna song, Vanessa’s Ronso fan fiction, Genki and Bizarro, Super Mecha Seymour, Tidus’s rad houseboat, creepy summoner wall body-horror, trying to figure out the dream-logic of Zanarkand, and so much more!


This week on Square Roots: We tour through the surprisingly long Mount Gagazet section of the game through until the start of Zanarkand.


Next week on Square Roots: We play through all of Zanarkand, and get back in the airship!

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/squarerootspodcast
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

 

Find Jeremiah George on:

Youtube

Patreon!

Loudr

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Nov 25, 2016

This time on a very special episode of Square Roots we combine with Owen Choules from Classic Schmassic, Voltron-style, to form a super cool robot called Classic Roots! Its mission: to look at the feature film created as a prequel for the release of Final Fantasy XV, called Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV. We have so many questions, and even more inappropriate nicknames for the only slightly overweight Libertus. Questions like: Who are these people? Is this set before or during Final Fantasy XV? Where are all the chocobos? Why does that one guy have a super long sleeve? And why does he look like Tom Baker? Can this movie have only one female character at a time? Are giant statues smashing up a city cool? Judge for yourself, rent the movie, and then let us know what you think as we all prep for the release of Final Fantasy XV!

Reach us at:

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Final Fantasy XV - Somnus 8-Bit Version by Bwansson: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQJP75DkVunaXw4Sw2EcBxw

Awesome Ardyn Izunia art by:
http://w15nu91.deviantart.com/

Nov 21, 2016

After John calls off Matthew’s Phone Minute, we dive into a weird deathtrap dungeon where there’s an exit and they let you keep your weapons. This week: a super cool summon versus summon battle; Vanessa heckles John; zombie wyrms; we break into show tunes; we hit the lonely end of Maester Babyface; Seymour Soul Gobbler turns into Nega Seymour; Kimahri’s creepy voyeurist tendencies; and so much more! It’s jam packed with Chocobo racing and boss slaying and robots and all that junk. LISTEN NOW.


This week on Square Roots: We play Via Purifico through until you hit Mount Gagazet.


Next week on Square Roots: We tour through the surprisingly long Mount Gagazet section of the game through until the start of Zanarkand.

 

Find Jeremiah George on:

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Nov 14, 2016

Audio problem is fixed!

CHILLS from Wakka's glares! THRILLS as we encounter or possibly summon a Ghost Wendigo! MARVEL as Tidus kind of ignores Dona! This week on Square Roots we go from wandering in an endless desert hunting sandworms to translating Al Bhed chests, go on trial for sorta kinda killing Seymour, and so much more. ALSO! Things get a little too sexy as John tries to figure out another term for pocket aces, Matthew makes some kind of nerd reference no one understands, Vanessa may be slipping so deep into her child voice that she can't return, and Jim introduces the smooth, smooth segues that he's famous for.

This week on Square Roots: We play from the Sanubia Desert until the Via Purifico.

Next week on Square Roots: We play Via Purifico through until the end of the Calm Lands.

 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

Links Youtube

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Nov 7, 2016

It’s all cats all the time this week on Square Roots as George Lucas gets kicked out of the studio, we make fun of Doctor Who sets, three out of four hosts cry at the movie Rudy, we dodge lightning, Rikku goes all Ringu, we find out some hard truths about Seymour, there’s a big fight about atheism, and we hit one of the best boss battles in Final Fantasy history. A plus-sized episode filled to the brim with songs, the bullshit minigame corner, our hosts being attracted to video game characters, and everything else you love about JRPGs and tolerate about Square Roots!

This week on Square Roots: We play from leaving Guadosalam through until you hit the Sanubia desert.

Next week on Square Roots: We play from the desert through until you reach Via Purifico.

 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

Links Youtube

Patreon!

Loudr

Twitter

Instagram

SoundCloud

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Google+

 

Oct 31, 2016

Shoopuffs: just another disappointing brontosaurus? We make fun of Jurassic Park, Matthew, makes the worst joke ever about the Moonflow, O’aka’s poor clothing choices, John stirs up beef with Portland, Tidus is the Zach Morris of Final Fantasy, Vanessa takes Seymour to the vet’s office, Seymour’s yam sized hands, a brief visit to the afterlife, which is kind of like Disneyworld in this place, and so, so much more!

This week: We play from leaving the Djose temple until we reach Guadosalam.

Next week: A marathon session from Guadosalam until we arrive at the desert!

 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

Links Youtube

Patreon!

Loudr

Twitter

Instagram

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Oct 28, 2016

It's an all new Square Roots Vs. episode! This time we're joined by Matt Chandronait of the Rebel FM podcast! Get ready for a spoooooooky halloween special as we cover Sweet Home, a NES era JRPG that also happens to be the FIRST survival horror game! Created by Tokuro Fujiwara of Resident Evil fame it's a surprisingly great game!

We also talk about Matt's history with the RPG and survival horror genres and Rebel FMs upcoming Extra Life Child's Play 24 hr charity stream! You can find more info about it right here:

http://www.extra-life.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=229106

It's a great cause so make sure you join in and DONATE!!!

You can find Matt regularly over at the Rebel FM podcast and on Twitter @talkingorange.

Oct 24, 2016

Legal sparks fly as Jim presides over the case of all cases: is Sin a whale? With Matthew on the con corner and Vanessa defending her thesis all rules are out the window... except THE RULE OF LAW.

Also this week: Can Sin melt steel beams? Are Summoners just visiting gyms collecting Pokemon? Are Dona and Barthello really banging? Do tubby bald men with no beards look like giant babies? Is Tidus unfairly biased against Seymour? Are the Trials of the Fayth better or worse than real dungeons? Will the Chocobo Eater actually eat a chocobo?

Find out, on this action-packed episode of Square Roots!

This week: We play from the Mi'ihen Highroad through until the end of the Djose Temple.

Next week: Leaving the Djose Temple through until the end of Guano Salaam, which apparently involves Shoopuffs but Johnny doesn't remember what they are and he writes these notes.

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

Links Youtube

Patreon!

Loudr

Twitter

Instagram

SoundCloud

Tumblr

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Oct 17, 2016

So. Much. World. Building. From a minigame involving blowing away insults from your father so you can learn a special trick to our first full game of Blitzball it seems like Final Fantasy X is concentrating on everything but the usual JRPG fare. Other topics include: evil ski teams, Dona’s outfit, heresy, Jecht’s salary and reality show, Suzanne Vega, religious sports sponsorship, Blitzball team names, the ramifications of the early whale reveal, and of course the madness and joy of this game’s famous minigame. Also there’s the most insane Bullshit Minigame Corner ever!

This week: we play from the start of the game until we reunite with an old friend after the Blitzball game.

Next week: From the Mi'ihen Highroad through until the end of Djose! 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

Links Youtube

Patreon!

Loudr

Twitter

Instagram

SoundCloud

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Google+

 

Oct 10, 2016

Our first Final Fantasy X episode! Matthew, John, Jim and professional whaler Vanessa dive into the crystal clear waters of Spira. We start with memories of our first experiences with the Final Fantasy X and move on to the Quest Log to discuss the physiognomy of skeleton fish, Tidus’s imaginary pen, creepy ghost kids, Phantasy Star girls, the special properties of Spira’s water, convenient sin foggies, Tidus’s dad hatred, Wakka’s fundamentalist streak, Yuna does some dancing for a pterodactyl with boobs, Tidus does some Zidane style perving, we try to figure out what exactly Sin looks like, and debate the merits of Japanese death metal. And hey, the Bullshit Minigame Corner is BACK!

 

This week: we play from the start of the game until we reach the village of Kilika.

Next week: we’ll play until we leave Luca!

 

Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

 

Theme song courtesy of Jeremiah George. Find more of his work at the links below! 

 

Links Youtube

Patreon!

Loudr

Twitter

Instagram

SoundCloud

Tumblr

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