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Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through another chunk of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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Now displaying: 2021

THE Classic RPG Podcast, w/Jim Banks, John Brandon, Matthew Van Zandt & Vanessa

Dec 29, 2021

NOW WITH 90% LESS CHIPMUNK VOICES!

You probably saw this one coming: it's a two hander! Johnny and Matthew dig through the second disc of Metal Gear Solid, with Johnny finding it brisk and fun and poor Matthew feeling like it takes forever. But you've got some iconic boss fights, weird jokes, and completely reconstructed cut scenes between the original PlayStation version and the GameCube Twin Snakes. Also this episode:

- Muscle Milkers
- Metal Gear as Metroidvania
- Matthew Can't Handle The Master Miller Twist
- Gemome Soldiers
- Johnny Can't Stop Saying Les Enfants Terribles
- Two Games In A Row With A Shirtless Wrestling Match
- So Many Fake Outs
- This Game Is Twins and Liquid Is the Danny DeVito

This Week: We finish Metal Gear Solid!
Next Week: We recruit all five extra party members in Dragon Age II!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Dec 20, 2021

Sure, it's not an RPG, but Konami's Metal Gear Solid IS a classic. And on this special holiday season of Square Roots we venture with Snake to Alaska, pretty close to where Santa lives. We try to make sense of the metal gear lore, talk about neuropeptides like we know what they mean, and Vanessa writes in an analysis of Meryl's big acting scene.
Also this week:
- Trashing the PS Classic
- Twin Snakes Versus The Original
- Has Kojima Ever Talked To A Woman?
- Those Legs Are Connected To A Butt
- "Nanomachines"
- Boomer Tigersoft

This Week: We finish Disc 1!
Next Week: We finish Metal Gear Solid!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Dec 13, 2021

For some reason Tales of Vesperia decides to squeeze about twenty hours of content into five hours of game, meaning there's a lot of reveals, narrative shifts, insane twists, and the most homoerotic wrestling match ever. But will Yuri and pals save the world? Is there really a final Necron? Who is the actual Sephiroth of the game?
Also this week:
- Can you vore a ghost?
- Noted floppy haired boy Brian Doyle Murray
- The The Doctor Is A Woman Twist
- Yuri and Flynn Play Wrestle
- The Insane Patty Reveal
- Poople
- The Last Real Boss Fight of the Game

This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We blow up the Hind D in Metal Gear Solid!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast


Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Dec 6, 2021

Oops! It’s all Sephiroths when we try to figure out just who will be the big bad of this chunker. Will it be the white haired Sephiroth with the magical sword? Or the other white haired Sephiroth with a magical sword? Or will it be that one guy who looks like Ginger Spice? There’s some apocalyptic action as we dive through this penultimate chunker!
Also this week:

  • Johnny & Vanessa Breakout Episode: Oops All Bad Games
  • Aloysius, Frank Miller, and Dinosaur
  • Entelexeia Cellphone
  • Julia Louise-Dryfus’s Apartment in Troll
  • LeTrack, Campbell Soup and Sparnod
  • The Gender Buffet

This Week: We finish Zaude!
Next Week: We finish the game!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Nov 29, 2021

Alright, let's start off by saying I'm sorry for derailing this episode with increasingly cursed and horny acrostics. I made a mistake, and I'm sorry. Please put your little ones to bed before playing this episode. Also, things start getting dramatic on this spicy talkthrough of Namco's Tales of Vesperia. Betrayal! Twists! A bad guy is revealed!
Also this week:
- Estelle's Hamster Ball
- Zap! It's News Time!
- Cowboy Beep Boop
- Hey, So What Happened Next?
- There's A Bell Up On A Dais
- Everyone Is Into Vincent D'onofrio!

This Week: We... at least get to the Heracles, I'm not sure
Next Week: We finish Zaude!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Nov 22, 2021

Will Yuri's trail of murder ever end? With an additional body count of two it doesn't seem to be stopping. Do we like his dark turn? Will Estelle stop murdering magical creatures? Will Karol stop complaining? (Jk jk we love Karol) Find out on this big ol' episode!
Also this week:
- Repede is my Hat Now
- Pigeon Milk
- Yuri's Hate Crimes
- Don Whitehorse's Failson
- A Reverse Whale Argument

This Week: Arrival at Phaeroh's Crag!
Next Week: We finish the Heracles!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Nov 15, 2021

It's a rare Johnnyless episode as Vanessa, Jim and Matthew tackle this darker middle chapter of Tales of Vesperia. Yuri takes a dark turn, you learn even more about the guilds and the gang stars a whole new one - Brave Vesperia!
Also this week:
- Yet Another Ghost Ship
- You Don't Marry a Magician
- Punisher Yuri
- Where's the Body?
- KAROL SEDUCES A GUARD
- Is Jim a Bootlicker?
This Week: We get to the desert?!
Next Week: Arrival at Phaeroh's Crag?!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Nov 8, 2021

Things happen this episode. Vast political movements. Intriegue. Subterfuge. Swapped letters. And we have a tenuous grasp of all of it as Tales of Vesperia's plot starts to really get going. I mean, we're still not even sure how to pronounce "Ragou".
Also this week:
- Dump Cake
- Vanessa's Shocking Level Up
- Too Many Sephiroths
- Johnny is Distracted By A Broad Chest
- No One Wants To Hold Out For A Heroic Mail Delivery

This Week: Yuri flies away!?
Next Week: We get to the desert?!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Nov 1, 2021

Let's just get this out of the way: we can't sing Yakety Sax. No matter who tries, we're just terrible at it. I'm not sure why this is an important part of this episode of Square Roots or what it has to do with Namco's Tales of Vesperia, but that's just the way it is.
Also this week:
- Inn-teresting
- Talkin' About Blastia
- The automaton's giant stone wiener
- A sudden Matthew appearance
- That's Cumore!
- More Hot Gaming News
- Gene "Wonderchef" Parmesan

This Week: Our boat sinks!?
Next Week: Yuri flies away!?
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Oct 25, 2021

It's Halloween down at the Square Roots house, so we're playing the spooooooky classic JRPG, or Jerpig, Namco's Tales of Vesperia! It's like a cozy comfy blanket of JRPG comfort food, and we enjoy it. So when we're not debating Yuri's hair colour, we guide the party from a splurging fountain to a magical tree town that does NOT explode.


Also this week:
- Catchphrases
- The Great Pumpkin Deposition
- Less Than Jokes
- The Cosmic Horror of Baby Fresh Eyes
- Matthew Makes Us Feel Bad
- The Hottest Gaming News

This Week: We save the tree in Halure!
Next Week: Our boat sinks!?

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

Contact Square Roots!

Twitter: @squarerootspod

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Oct 18, 2021

This week on Square Roots we blaze through the ending of the main questline like a dragon spewing fire! So much blazing! We defeat Alduin, and then things are... happy? Maybe? Also Grunk, Rimjob and Presto get Animal House end title cards. What would Gojira's end title card be? Consumed by Alduin?
Also this week:
- What Happens When We Don't Heckle Jim
- A Spooky Fair
- Click Click Blam
- Guest Host Ira Glass
- Spicy Tuna Cakes
- Making a Bad Dragon Mould
- Drauger Karens
- Hakon Sprinklerhead

This Week: We finish Skyrim!
Next Week: We save the tree in Halure in Tales of Vesperia!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Oct 11, 2021

Oh shit! Square Roots has a beach episode! But, sadly, it's the kind of beach episode where all your favourites go on vacation! That's right: you got RimJob becoming a werewolf, Presto Kazaam meets up with her past self, and Johnny becomes a real Prince of Thieves.


Also this week:
- Delita is a Fvckboy
- Regretting Just Playing Dragonball
- Vanessa Murders Her First Wife
- "He IS the Daedric Prince of Madness!"
- Or is he the Daedric Prince of Great Prices?
- Sexy Robot Kazoo Whistles

This Week: Our Skyrim characters go on a holiday from the main quest!
Next Week: We finish Skyrim!

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Oct 4, 2021

We're gonna be honest here: this is either going to be a really long chunker for you or a really short chunker depending on whether or not you choose a side or choose that delicious, delicious third option. But you wouldn't skip all these questlines that Bethesda worked so hard on, would you?
Also this week:
- Muscle Garfield
- Alduin, World Tooter
- Vanessa's Letter to Bethesda
- Why Boys Not Hot?
- We Are All Master Negotiators

This Week: We either pick a side or negotiate a truce in Season Unending!
Next Week: Our Skyrim characters go on a holiday from the main quest!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Sep 27, 2021

Oh boy! It's time for further adventures of mural exposition, with Joan Allen calling Max Von Sidow a big nerd for caring about second age tryptarchs. On this chunker of Bethesda's Skyrim we need to get our hands on one of those fancy Elder Scrolls. But how?! By talking to a sexy Orc librarian, heading down to a magical mushroom kingdom, solving a spinny puzzle, and so much more!
Also this week:
- Who wins in a fight, the Eternals versus the Inhumans?
- Conjure Flame Astronaut
- It's Your Inn Now
- Dwarf Ruins CD burning
- Mixing Up Forsworn and Falmers

This Week: We complete Elder Knowledge!
Next Week: We either pick a side or negotiate a truce in Season Unending!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Sep 21, 2021

Hello! We are having a vote!

On our Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Our choices:

Vanessa - Deus Ex: Human Revolution (2011)

Jim - Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch (2011)

Johnny - Alpha Protocol (2010)

Matthew - Tales of Vesperia (2008)

So join our $5 tier and vote! YEAH!

 

 

Sep 20, 2021

Oh boy! We're deep into the legend of the Dovahkiin in this week's chunk of Bethesda's super beloved Skyrim! On this chunker we impress Daphne / Delphine, learn to shout, and meet a couple of dragons. It's great! Also:

- Don't Think About Frasier!
- Mind bending 1990s music videos!
- It's like a blanket party but they're yelling at you!
- Let Me Be Frank: Redux
- Jack... Kirby?'s... Inhumans!
- In Sweden he's just called the Chef!
- Facbook Made Me Say That
- What If Vanessa Goes To the Magic Castle
- Johnny's Great First Date Ideas

This Week: We finish the Blades quest Diplomatic Immunity!
Next Week: We complete Elder Knowledge!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast


Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Sep 13, 2021

Since we're tackling a very non-linear open world RPG with Bethesda's Skyrim, this time we're doing things a little differently: after a main quest runthrough we each describe the adventures of our own very special characters. It's a surprisingly bug-free playthrough as we pull up in our cart to Helgen, where our executions await! Also:


- The Jerky Boys Musical
- The Vore Seasons
- Presto Kazaam, Mind Freak
- Godzilla's Bound Sword
- The Friendzies Spell
- Mads Mikkelson Cheekbones
- Jerpigs
- A Song For Straight Men

This Week: We fight our first dragon outside of Whiterun!
Next Week: We finish the Blades quest Diplomatic Immunity!

Sep 6, 2021

Teleport is a kind of go. Drive is a kind of go. Imagine? Also a kind of go! How many kinds of go can you name? In this climactic conclusion to our Legend of Mana playthrough, our hero has to go through pretty much every dungeon in the game chasing our favorite li'l cactus. Also:
- A Secret Kawazu Game!
- The Most Popular Toy in the World
- A Bizarre Sin Stance Change
- Vanessa's Nuclear Mana Tree Theory
- Pelican Mouth Injuries

This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We fight our first dragon outside of Whiterun!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 30, 2021

We ask so many questions in this chunker of Square's Legend of Mana. Would Gilbert's lines work on a real woman? Can you cure amnesia with another concussion? Would a visual novel be better with real photos? Will the X-Files FMV game ever be re-released? Also:
- Deep Insight into Diddle
- Virtual Jerry Orbach
- Is BDG a centaur? Is Adam Driver a monster?
- Manhattan, Kansas Narrowcasting
- A game that makes more dick jokes than we do?
- Matt's Superman Style Story

This Week: The Wimpy Thugling
Next Week: We finish the game!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 23, 2021

Vanessa leaves early so you night what that means: BOYS NIGHT. We're getting into the back half of Legend of Mana, and starting to wrap up some plotlines. Aren't you curious about Matilda and Irwin? Valerie and David? Also:
- Johnny and the Horrible Nightmare Beach
- What does Ayn Rand have to do with it?
- THE BONE FORTRESS! YEEEEEAH!
- Tell Me More!
- What is Pig like?
- Next game announced!

This Week: Catchin' Lilipeas
Next Week: The Wimpy Thugling


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 16, 2021

Content Warning: Suicide

We're descending into the underworld and making some strange allies in this chunker of Squaresoft's 2000 cult classic Legend of Mana. Also:
- Vanessa's Magician Crush Origin Story
- "I Thought He Should"?
- Legs That Go Right Into His Feet
- Big Mouth Billy Bass
- Diddle's dark descent
- Stars Spin As They Fall When You're Trying To Catch Your Breath

This Week: We finish The Guardian of Wind!
Next Week: We finish Catchin' Lilipeas!


Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 9, 2021

We're really getting into Legend of Mana now as we make our way through this complicated but simple action RPG. A lot happens, we think? There's incredibly depressing junkyard toys, pinglings, a walrus man and... a turtle?! Also:
- Terrifying Nightmare Cactus
- Matt's hot Jojo take
- Johnny and Jim's Bunk Beds
- Dubba Baba Dud
- Trying to Politely Describe the Necklace Pearl Has

This Week: We finish the Murmuring Forest!
Next Week: We finish The Guardian of Wind!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme!
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Aug 2, 2021

Alright, now we move on to a new game: Squaresoft's bonkers Legend of Mana! If you're expecting Secret of Mana 2, it's not that, it's more like... a complicated board game that doesn't tell you how to play it combined with fun side-scrolling brawler. On this episode:
- We get an exclusive 30 second celebrity interview!
- Placing a Mailbox: a complicated decision
- Johnny licks his foot
- Jim and Matt's Legend of Mana Punishment
- Diddle's Nightmarish Form
- Why the Square Roots House smells like smoked meats

This Week: We complete the event Path of the Blacksmith in Legend of Mana!
Next Week: We finish the Murmuring Forest!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme!
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jul 26, 2021

We found it! We found the Odyssey, and truly, the real lost odyssey was the friendships we made along the way. On this big ol' chonker episode of an episode we chop through most of the end game content, from Cooke getting proposed to by the Kelolon King to Prince Sparklepony learning the true value of bravery. But that's not all!
- Vanessa tries to trick Jim into dressing like a magician
- Yellow is wind? Or should it be brown? Or should it be Bronwyn?
- Gongora's Celebrity Roast
- Johnny's secret Christian musical theatre past
- Towers of Annoy
- Mister Potato Head Made Fun of Me
- You may hear hints about what the next next game is

This Week: We finish the game!
Next Week: We complete the event Path of the Blacksmith in Legend of Mana!

 

Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

Jul 19, 2021

We all head to the garage to become certified stoneologists like Jansen in this penultimate episode of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey! There's a lot of content in this chunker as we start exploring bonus areas, do a Final Fantasy VI style minigame, and fight our... Personas? Topics covered include:
- What Gongora's Deal is
- Is Ming the real villain of the game?
- Wine Time!
- Matt's Stand Up Shower
- Gongora's Grace Jones Outfit
- Kirk Cameron's Fireproof

This Week: We prepare to head to Grand Staff!
Next Week: We finish the game!
Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast
Contact Square Roots!
Twitter: @squarerootspod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/
Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
This Season's Theme by Javagore

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